Second Chance - Chapter 18

Tell Me About Him


HOLLY...

“Do you think Ryan would want you to do this to yourself? What do you think he would say if he knew?”

It was like a slap on the face to bring me out of a trance. What would Ryan say? He had asked me not to mourn him. He had asked me to be happy because it would make him happy.

It brought back the memories of the time I spent with Ryan the night before he passed away. He was weak but... somehow happier. He insisted on staying up that night 

That last night before he passed away, Ryan insisted on staying up as if he knew that would be the last moment that we would spend together. He wanted to talk, to spend every second he had left with me. So, we talked the whole night.

He told me that he loved me. The declaration of love somehow made me feel guilty. Really, really guilty because I did not love him the way he loved me, as he should be loved. He had done so much for me that I felt like I was taking advantage of him, of his kindness and of him loving me. I was taking, taking and taking and barely giving anything in return.

Ryan saw me hesitating and said, “You don’t have to say anything, sweetheart. I know who your heart belongs to right from the start.”

“I’m sorry. If only I could tell my heart to love you, I would. It would be so much easier. And thank you for loving me. I am truly honoured.”

“Being with you and being there by your side when you need somebody are enough for me. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I felt like I am using you. All I ever do ever since I met you is taking everything that you gave me.” I told him sincerely. “You have done so much for me and my son.”

He laughed weakly but there was joy in it. “This is why I love you. You don’t even realise what you have done, do you?”

“I have done nothing except be a burden to you.”

“You were never a burden, sweetheart. You are a joy to me. I want you to be happy. And don't mourn me, please.”

“Ryan...”

“No, Holly. I have never been happier because I have you. You have brought so much to my life than I ever thought was possible. You have to let me go because the pain gets so unbearable these days. Be happy for me.”

Tears welled up in my eyes but I understood him. I nodded slowly.

“You rest now. Don’t you worry, I will take a good care of myself.”

“That's my girl. Know that I am proud of you. The only thing I want is your promise that you will find happiness." He smiled joyously and looked deep into my eyes and I nodded again. "Remember, when I’m gone, I'll be watching you from above.”

His smile was still on his lips when his eyelids began to close. I sat on the chair on his bedside and rested my head on the bed. I stayed by his side for the rest of the night. 

I must have dozed off because when I opened my eyes, Ryan was awake and looking at me.

“I love you, Holly.” His voice was almost a whisper.

I stood up and sat beside him on the bed. I slipped my arms around him. I did not know how I knew it, but right there and then, I knew that he was going to leave me forever. 

I kissed his forehead and told him, “Don’t worry about me, love. Just go. I will be all right. I promise. Go now and rest peacefully. Give my love to my dad and William when you see them.”

He smiled weakly before slowly closing his eyes.  All I could do was to hold him in my arms while watching him slowly slipped away. It felt surreal. I could not comprehend that he was really gone. Never again would I see his lovely smile, how his eyes lighted up when he was excited and how he would cocked his head to one side when he was thinking. Never again would I hear his merry laughter. It was like a dream and I was convinced that when I woke up, I would find him on the bed still sleeping. 

The waking up part did not happen, however. I hold Ryan lifeless body in my arms until I could bring myself to let him go. I woke Martha up and told her about Ryan’s passing before contacting the doctor.

Then it hit me that I would never see him again. The grief I felt in my heart and the feeling of hopelessness was like a thick black cloud hanging over me. I felt empty. I felt numb.

It was like I was in a bubble. I was no longer a part of the world. Everything sounded muffled. I could hear conversations, but it was like the words had no meaning. Everything that happened around me was in a blur. 

Then, this man who was holding me tightly in his arms reminded me of Ryan’s wish. I could not hold back the tears that suddenly pour down my cheeks. I lost track of time of me standing there crying until there were no more tears left.

I sniffled and just stood there enjoying being in Louis’ arms. I felt safe and protected, even loved. I knew I could not stay there forever. I raise my head from his hard but comfortable chest, and saw that my tears had soaked his shirt.

“Do you need anything, love?” His concern was clear in his voice.

“Something strong to drink.”

“You need to eat first. You have not eaten anything today.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You still need to eat.” He insisted. He let me go before picking up the phone to order grilled chicken salad and fruit juice for me.

I wanted to protest but suddenly I felt really tired. I walked towards the bed and sat down. Louis put the phone down and turned to look at me.

“Why don’t you take off your shoes and that jacket, and lie down for a bit? You looked worn out.” He suggested.

Such simple suggestion, yet I had a hard time comprehending what he was saying. I must be really exhausted. I took of the black Mary Jane pumps I was wearing and peeled off the black woollen jacket, put it on the bed and lie down on my side. I pulled myself into foetal position and closed my eyes.

Immediately, I saw Ryan’s face flashed before my eyes. The tears I thought were dried started falling again. I kept my eyes closed so that the man behind my back would not realise that I was crying.

The bed dipped and an arm sneaked across my waist to pull me closer to a warm body behind me. Louis kissed my hair softly. I shivered when I felt his warm breath on my neck. I cried again for the second time. I could not help but feel like a cry baby. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered softly. My voice was wobbly.

“It’s perfectly fine. Just cry, if you feel like it.” His warm breath teased my cheek.

“Thank you.” I turned and laid on my back to look at him. “For being with me. After all that I had done, you are still nice to me. Thank you.”

His gaze locked with mine. “Whatever had gone between us, we used to be good friends once. I’m sorry if I tend to be a bit temperamental.”

THe touched my cheek to wipe the tears that still lingered there. The tender smile he gave me curled my toes and would probably melt half of the female population of New York. Such beautiful, beautiful smile. I smiled back at him.

“Tell me about him. What was he like?” Louis said suddenly.

“He was a lot like you.”

Second Chance - Chapter 17

LOVE HATE

LOUIS...

The sad news of Ryan’s death came two weeks after our visit to his house in New York. Martha called and informed us of the news.

The other three lads were taking the opportunity of the tour break to spend some time with their family as I was. Harry was in LA. Probably trying to get over his broken heart after breaking off with Sarah. Poor Harry. He tried so hard to make it work with Sarah.

Those who did not know Harry thought that he was a womaniser. That is far from the truth. Just because he went out with many different women did not mean he slept with them. Most of the women he went out with were his friends.

Harry had really cared for Sarah. For a while, he really thought she was the one but Sarah apparently could not cope with our hectic schedule. She left Harry for somebody who could always be there for her. She had begun dating the guy even before she broke off with Harry. He understood her reason but that did not make the break up any easier.

Zayn called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Ryan’s funeral. Much as I hated the guy for taking Holly away from me, I respected him. I hated to admit that but he had taken a good care of Holly, he had given everything to her. When she needed someone, he was there.

I decided to go to the funeral. Liam, Niall and Jenna also would be going with Zayn and me. We took the next available flight to New York. Harry would be arriving from LA just before the funeral service.

We arrived at the apartment to find Holly busy organising Ryan’s funeral service. She looked exhausted. She had dark rings under her eyes. When she saw us, she managed to give us a slight smile and came to welcome us.

She hugged Liam, Niall and Jenna. “Thank you so much for coming, guys.”

Zayn took her into his arms and hugged her tightly. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Holly. He was a good man.” He whispered in Holly’s ear before letting her go.

Holly nodded slowly and looked at me, hesitating on what to do. I took a step forward and held her in my arms. She pressed her face into my chest and held on to me tightly. She felt so good there. I gave her a reassuring squeeze. “How are you holding up, love?”

She nodded. “I’m... I’m okay.” She answered but she looked far from being okay.

I let her go but kept my hand at the small of her back. “Harry will be coming later.”

She nodded and thanked us again for coming. She moved away to met other guests when Martha came thank us for coming. After making small talk, she made a gesture for me to step aside so that we could have a private conversation.

“I want to thank you again for coming.” She took my hand and held it in both her smaller ones. She looked tired.

I nodded. “I’m really sorry for your loss.” I know it must be hard for her to lose her son. Losing someone you care about is never easy.

“Thank you, my dear. I’m sad but in a way I am also relieved and happy knowing that Ryan is no longer suffering. That was the hardest part, watching him suffer.” She admitted.

She smiled slightly and squeezed my hand. “After all this is over, take her with you.” She pleaded.

I did not say anything because I did not know what to say. Her son just died and she wanted me to take his wife with me?

“I’m sorry. Don’t be afraid that I might get offended because I won’t. Ryan asked me to do this. He was afraid that his death might cause Holly to fell apart like she did when ....” She could not continue her sentence and wiped the tears that fell down her cheeks. “He loved her and he did not want her to mourn him.”

“I love her and I want her to be happy. She had been through quite a lot these past years: Losing her father and her son and now Ryan. She hasn’t eaten properly these couple of days, and I don’t think she even slept a wink. She must be really tired.” She looked at Holly who was talking to one of Ryan’s friends.

“The anniversary of William’s death is in a few days. This will bring back those sad memories for her. You and your friends are such a big part of her life. Please take care of her.” She looked at me with such a hope that I did not have a heart to turn 
her down.

I understood her concern. When I last met her, she told me about the accident Holly was in that had cost Holly her beautiful son. The two of them were on their way to the airport, to go back to New York after attending her father’s funeral, when a drunk driver crashed into their car. Holly was severely injured and her son died on the spot due to severe head trauma. I felt really sorry for her.

When Martha told me about the incident, I was really sad. I had met William when they came to three of our shows. He was a delightful boy and I fell in love with him instantly. The two of us got along very well. He called me ‘dada’, his words for ‘daddy’, I guess. The lads teased me about it but I didn’t mind. I imagine if I have a son, he would be just like William.

Over a few months, I received pictures and videos of the boy from Martha until it stopped abruptly. I was too busy touring and recording the new album to give it much thought. Now, I know the reason for it.

For some reason, I kept thinking of the boy after the visit to Ryan’s house. I still have the videos sent to me and I played them all back repeatedly. This was Holly’s son and I kept thinking that, he could have been mine, if only Holly did not left. I quickly shook the memories away and concentrated on the grieving lady in front of me.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Phillips. We will take care of her.” I promised her.

“Thank you, Louis. Thank you.” She squeezed my hands, gave me a hug and kissed my cheek.

Throughout the service in the morning until we went to the cemetery and came back to the house late in the afternoon, I observed Holly carefully. Her face was emotionless, her movement was stiff, her eyes looked dead, and she kept sipping champagne on empty stomach. I have not seen her eating a bite since morning.

She was standing alone, staring out of the big window, still drinking from the champagne flute in her hand. She looked to be in deep thought. Suddenly, someone put her hand on my shoulder. I turned to look on my left and found Martha standing slightly behind me.

“Take her away. I can handle everything from here. Please, don’t let her withdraw into herself.” She said softly without looking at me. Her gaze was fixed on Holly.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” I said hesitantly.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. Go and get her.” She patted my shoulder to encourage me. I smiled and gave her a hug.
I walked towards Holly not sure what to say to her. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she was not even aware of my approach. I stopped almost in front of her but she was still gazing out of the window, lost in thought.

“Holly.” I took hold of her upper arm. Her eyes snapped to my face, surprised I was standing so close to her. I pulled her closer and engulfed her in my embrace. She just stood there motionless.

“C’mon, love. Let’s get you out of here.” I whispered in her ears.

“No. No, no. Martha needs me here.” Suddenly, her eyes looked wild. She was getting distraught.

“No, she doesn’t. She is doing fine. You are not. You have not eaten and from the look of the dark ring under your eyes, you have not had enough sleep. You are drinking on an empty stomach. That is going to go to your head pretty fast. So, either we walk out of here like two civilised people or I could put you over my shoulder. You choose.” I threatened.

Anger flashed in her eyes. Good! At least, some emotions. I would rather have angry Holly than zombie Holly. I let go of her and took the champagne flute from her hand. I set the glassware on the coffee table nearby.

I wrapped my fingers around her upper arm and guided her forcefully towards the door. “Please don’t make a scene. Come with me quietly. Martha is already very concern of you. She asked me to take you away from here. Please don’t make it harder for her.”

“She did? She really asked you to take me away?” Her voice was brittle and she looked pained. Suddenly the fight went out of her.

“She was worried about you. And she was right. Come on, love. Let us say our goodbye.”

We went over to Martha, the boys and Jenna. I let her say her goodbye and Zayn came over to me with a frown on his face.

“Are you sure you want to do this? I can take her with me.”

“You are going to see Haley afterwards. You haven’t seen her in three months.” I said. Haley was Zayn’s girlfriend and they have not seen each other in three months due to our hectic tour schedule and her busy work.

“Go and see her. Don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure?” He was still sceptical.

“I’m sure.” I said assuring him.

Zayn grab hold of my upper arm and said softly near my ear. “Please don’t hurt her.”

“I won’t.” I promised. I knew he was referring to the incident in the bookstore. I looked around and saw Harry hugging and kissing Holly on her cheek.

Holly had finished saying her goodbyes. Zayn took her in his arms and held her tightly. He whispered in her ear. “I’m going to see you tomorrow, okay, princess? I just have something to do today.”

Without uttering anything, Holly nodded her head. I put my arms around her and told the boys, “We’re going back to the hotel. We’ll see you guys later.”

On our way out, Martha caught my eyes and mouthed her thank you. I nodded to indicate I understood. I ushered Holly out of the door and into the waiting car downstairs. She was quiet and her face was emotionless, while staring outside the car window on the whole journey to the hotel. She looked lonely and sad, so I took her hand in mine and squeezed it to remind her that I was there and she could count on me for a shoulder to cry on.

When we arrived at the hotel, I lead her to the room where Zayn and I shared. I sat on the bed and pick up the phone to order room service. I ordered us a tuna sandwich, chicken pie Caesar salad and some orange juice for our late lunch.

Holly stood silently by the window hugging herself, staring at the landscape below. Face expressionless, her mind appeared to be million miles away. When the doorbell chimed announcing the arrival of our lunch, she did not even react. I stood up quietly from the bed to open the door.

Lunch was brought in by a guy about my age and was put on the table. I thanked the guy and closed the door after him.

“Holly.” I called out to her three times before she realised it. I walked over to her and slipped my arms around her, hugging her from behind. She was stiff. I pulled her closer and let her rest the back of her head on my shoulder. “Come, let’s eat.”

She shook her head without saying anything and started to pull away. I pulled her back towards me and buried my face on the crook of her neck.

“You need to eat something, love. You are going to make yourself ill, if you don’t” I tried coaxing her to eat.

“I’m fine.” Her voice lacked emotion.

“No, you are not. You have not eaten, you have not slept and you have not cried. So, you are definitely not fine.” I took hold of her shoulders and turned her around to face me. I hold her chin to tilt up her face so that she was looking at me. Her eyes were on me but she was looking straight through me. She was here but not here.

I sighed. What do I do with this girl? My emotion tended to jump from one extreme end to another when I was with her. Sometimes, I hated her with every ounce of my being but at other times, all I wanted to do is protect her from harm. Wipe the tears in her eyes. Make her smile.

Right now, I wanted to chase away the bleak look in her usually expressive brown eyes. I wanted to see those beautiful orbs sparkle with life. I wanted those sensuous pouty lips to curve in a smile. I wanted her to be happy.

Sometimes, I did not understand myself. Why can’t I forget her? I wanted to... but something kept pulling me back to her. I did not want to care about her but I could not help myself.

“Holly, love. Do you think Ryan would want you to do this to yourself? What do you think he would say if he knew?” I decided to switch tactics. Play on her conscience.

It worked as something flickered in her eyes. She blinked and two fat tears of grief that welled up at the corners of her eyes, streamed down her face. Suddenly, the dam broke. Violent sobs racked her body as the emotion she tried to hold in poured out of her. I hold her close in my arm as the two of us stood there until all her tears was spent. I let her cry her eyes out while all the time I felt so helpless, knowing that I could do nothing to lessen her pain.