JUST FRIENDS
HOLLY...
I opened my eyes to a darkened room and I had no idea what time it was. I was alone and my head was killing me. I saw my phone on the side table and reached for it. I glanced at it to look at the time. It was 8.15am.
My head was hurting. I must have drunk myself silly last night. Slowly, I crawl out of bed, trying not to add to the massive headache I was having. Only then did I realise that I was only clad in my under garment. Where did my clothes go?
I looked around gingerly, trying not to make sudden movement. The bottled water on the bedside table caught my eyes. I grabbed it and twisted the cap open. Greedily, I drank the whole bottle. I casted the bottle aside after putting the cap back on.
I saw my clothes draped on the back of a chair together with the clothes Louis wore yesterday. I really did not remember taking them off last night. While deliberately taking measured steps towards the toilet, I remembered that I did not bring any change of clothes.
I decided to borrow Louis’ clothes. I was sure he would not mind. I searched for them in his bag and took out a white round neck t-shirt and a charcoal grey sweat pants. I grimaced as I could not bring myself to put on my worn underwear again so I decided to go without them.
I brought all the chosen items into the toilet. The hot shower spray on my head was soothing and it was making my headache a bit better. I was reaching for the soap when I saw the wedding ring on my finger. Wedding ring without the marriage because my marriage to Ryan was annulled. The notification came a few days before he passed away. Our marriage was voidable, the reason being that it was not consummated. So, our marriage was technically never existed and was never valid. There was no marriage!
Ryan had wanted to distance me from what would happen after his death.
I understood his motive but I still felt the grief of losing a good friend. I felt lost and hopeless. I cried until the storm inside me subsided.
I stepped out of the shower and glanced at the mirror and looked at my own reflection. The image in the mirror was of a pale woman with bloodshot eyes. She looked scared, lost, lonely and unsure what will happen next. I did not like what I saw very much. I put on my borrowed clothes while thinking about what I was going to do next.
When I was done, I opened the door to the room and discovered that Louis still had not come back. The silence in the room was suffocating me, so I decided to go for a walk. Then, I realised that the t-shirt I had on was a bit thin. As I had no underwear on, I could see my nipples pushing against the fabric.
I took Louis’ black hoodie from his bag and put it on. I headed towards the door and grabbed the door knob. I twisted it and pulled the door opened, and was about to stepped out of the room when Louis’ voice stopped me in my track.
“Vicky, please. There is nothing between me and Holly. She is just a friend, okay? We’re just friends. Would you please calm down? You are making a scene.” Louis said stiffly.
Slowly and silently, I closed the door until it was open just a crack. I could not help but eavesdropped on their conversation.
“Calm down? Why should I calm down? Why are you the one that has to be with her? Why isn’t she with Zayn? She’s his best friend. He’s the one who should be with her! Not you!” Vicky was agitated and her voice shrill.
“She had just lost her husband, Vicky, for heaven’s sake!” Louis sounded exasperated.
“But the others weren’t with her last night!”
“Nothing happened. And there will never be! We’re just friends.”
It should not have hurt but it did. Carefully, I closed the door without making any sound and rested my forehead against it. Just friends. Yeah, that’s what we were. Was I hoping for more? Maybe. Did I deserve another chance after what I had done? Probably not.
Just friends...Of course we were just friends. What else could we be? I knew it. I knew where I stand. I had always known we could never be anything else. I understand that, yet I still ache for him.
What did I expect? That Louis would welcome me back with open arms? I sniffed and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall again. I walked towards the window and stare unseeingly at the city down below.
I wanted him so much and I knew it in my heart and soul, if I stay around him much longer, he would see that I was still deeply and madly in love with him. Even at this moment, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I had never stopped loving him. Once he stole my heart, I had never had it back. He was the only one for me. I needed to go away. I could not stay knowing he could never be mine again. He has Vicky.
So, I should put away my hopes and dreams to be with Louis again because that would not happen. Ever. We were just friend. Nothing more than a friend. I needed to remember that.
God! Was crying the only thing I was good at? Every time something happened all I would do was cry. I would fall apart and somebody else would make everything better. I had Zayn, Ryan and for a while there, I had Louis do that for me. I had always depend on other people to make the decision for me. When I got problems at home, Zayn was there for me. When I got pregnant and when my son died, I let Ryan took care of everything.
Now Ryan was gone. Zayn had his own life to lead and Louis..... Louis had Vicky. I felt like the third wheel in everybody’s life.
I was tired of crying but I could not seem to stop. Why couldn’t I be strong? I knew that I needed to move on and I should stop depending on others. I need to depend on myself. I need to take charge of my life! Starting this moment.
I would go back to England. My mom was still there. Maybe I could go and visit her and at the same time nurse my broken heart. Even though we did not have the best mother-daughter relationship, she was the only family I had left. The last time I saw her was at my father’s funeral, which was more than a year ago.
With the intention of taking a walk was long gone from my mind, I picked up the phone from the bedside table and called Allie. She picked up on the fourth ring. I asked her to book me the next available flight to London and to send clothes for me to change into as my clothes from yesterday were hopelessly rumpled. Less than half an hour later, Allie texted me my fight details and promised to send my things to the hotel. After that, I texted Zayn to tell him of my decision.
Sunshine, I’m going home to see my mum today.
I pressed ‘send’ and closed my eyes, as I realised that I was truly going home. I stood and walked to the window to look at the city which I made my home for the past three years. This could probably be the last time for me to be here. I love New York but there was nothing to keep me here. Both Ryan and William were gone.
I seriously needed to move on. I needed to accept that Ryan was gone, and that there would never be anything between me and Louis. We were just friends. I needed to forget about him.
I was surprised when I realised that my cheeks were wet due to the tears streaming down my face. I hate to cry but I could not help myself. The waterworks seemed to be easily turned on by anything at all. I heard the door opened and closed softly.
“Holly? You’re awake.” The voice of the man, whom I lost my heart to, was directly behind me. His voice tugged at my heartstring but I need to forget him. “Are you okay?”
Without turning away from the window, I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I inhaled deeply and answered him. “I’m fine.”
“You’ll make yourself sick, if you cry too much. Remember, Ryan would want you to move on.”
He thought that I was crying over Ryan. I was relieved that I did not have to respond to that when my phone rang. I quickly picked it up and saw that Zayn’s name was displayed on the screen.
“Hi.” I said softly into the phone.
“Are you still at the hotel?” He said without preamble.
“Uh, yeah.”
“I’ll be there in 10, okay.”
“Okay.”
“When are you leaving?”
“My flight is at 3.”
“Okay. I’ll see you shortly.” He quickly hung up without even saying goodbye.
“Are you going somewhere?” My eyes flew to his face. I had forgotten Louis was in the room.
“Uh, yeah. I’m going back to England to see my mum.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “Alright.”
When I glanced at his face, it was expressionless. His unreadable eyes were staring at me intently, which made me uncomfortable.
I managed a slight smile and said to him, “Do I have something on my face?”
He kept staring for a few second before muttering something inaudible under his breath.
“Sorry. What did you say?”
“Uh, I said your face is just fine.” He ran his fingers through his hair and I had the weirdest feeling that he was avoiding looking at me.
I dismissed the thought as being my wild imagination. Then, I looked down at the phone in my hand. That was when I noticed the borrowed hoodie had parted in the middle, exposing the thin, white t-shirt underneath and my erect nipples were clearly visible through the clothing!
Self-consciously, I tugged at the hoodie to cover my chest. I could feel my face flushed.
“I hope you don’t mind I borrowed your clothes. I didn’t bring any yesterday.”
“No. I don’t mind.”
The conversation then fell flat. There was an awkward silence before Louis said, “Would you like something to eat? You have not eaten since yesterday.”
The mention of food caused my stomach to lurch alarmingly. “Just some tea, please. I could not possibly eat anything right now.”
Louis picked up the phone and ordered tea and toast. I sat down on one of the chairs and peer through my lashes at Louis. I wonder where Vicky was. Louis probably managed to persuade her to calm down.
Zayn arrived after our tea and toast were delivered. They kindly offered to send me to the airport but I refused, as Noah would be picking me up. When we said our goodbyes, Zayn made me promised to call and tell him when I arrive at my mom’s house. I hugged him and gave his bearded cheek a sisterly kiss. Then, I turned to Louis and hesitated, but he moved forward and hugged me. In his arms, I inhaled his scent and pressed my lips to his shoulder. I loved him so much.
Move on, Holly. Move on. I urged myself.
I would. I told myself with quiet conviction. Surprisingly, peace and calm settled over me.
