WILLIAM
HOLLY...
A fortnight ago was the anniversary of William’s death. It had been two years. I wanted to visit his grave but I did not think I was strong enough. Mum advised me to take it slow and I did. Today, I felt like I was a little stronger. I felt I could do it. I missed my little angel. I remembered how devastated I felt when the doctors told me, he did not make it. My world fell apart. He was my everything and the only connection I had left to Louis.
I left early. Mum was still sleeping, so I left her a note telling her where I went. I brought along William’s favourite toy, a bright red fire engine which was a gift from Louis, with me. On my way, I stopped by a nearby florist to buy a bouquet of white calla lilies, my favourite flower.
As I arrived at the cemetery, I saw a couple was also visiting their loved ones. I liked the quietness and the tranquillity of the place. I strolled slowly, taking in the surrounding. The air was crisp and cool. I loved it.
When I reached William’s resting place, I felt chocked up. I always thought of it as ‘resting place’as I could not bring myself to say ‘grave’.
“Hi there, mummy’s little angel. Mummy is sorry for not coming to see you for quite some time. Mummy went to see Uncle Ryan in New York, and also Daddy and his friends. I missed you so much, sweetheart.” I sat down on the grass and began my one-sided conversation with William.
“I hope you are happy there. How is Grandpa? Do the two of you get along well? I hope you do. Did you see Uncle Ryan there? If you see him, tell him that Mummy missed him.” I put the flower against the headstone.
“I saw Daddy the other day and he looked good, but was quite angry at me for leaving him. But we had to, hadn’t we, sweetheart? You know that Daddy loves you, don’t you? The two of you had fun when you visited him during his shows, didn’t you? I know that it was not enough, but that was the best I could do. I want you to know you daddy, and I want him to see how wonderful you were. He fell in love with you the first time he saw you, didn’t he?” I smiled to myself and took out the red fire engine from my bag and put it on the ground near the headstone.
“Look at what I brought for you. Your favourite toy. The one that daddy gave you. You loved the toy so much, remember? When you brought it home the first time, you would not even let it go. I had to wait until you fell asleep to put it away.” Remembering the good times made my smile waver a bit.
“Daddy is going to be so angry that I kept you a secret, sweetheart. I am sorry too, that I deprived you and your daddy of the chance to really to get to know each other. Once you were old enough to travel and attend his show, I tried to bring you there. I tried to find any opportunity for you to spend time with Daddy. You loved it, didn’t you?” I traced his name on the headstone, trying hard to rid off the emptiness I felt.
“I am glad you enjoyed your time with Daddy, I tried so that the two of you did not miss too much of each other’s life. We sent him pictures and videos of you, didn’t we? I know that was not enough, but that was the best I could do. I’m sorry you did not have your daddy see how what a wonderful little angel you were. I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
I stayed for another hour, talking to William about everything under the sun. I told him about my life now and how I was mending my relationship with his grandma, about Uncle Zayn, Uncle Rayn, his grandpa and his daddy. I glanced around. There were a few visitors at the far side of the cemetery.
“Well, I got to go, sweetheart. But I’ll come again soon, I promise. I love you to the moon and back, little angel. Rest well.” I blew him a kiss, before I walked back to my car.
I made it. Little by little, I had accepted that my father, William and Ryan were gone. Mum said that time would heal all wounds. We just didn’t know how long it would take. Maybe she was right. Maybe today was the day I started healing.
From a distance, as I was walking towards the car park, I could see two familiar figures leaning against my car, waiting for me. As I drew nearer, Zayn grinned and waved at me in greeting. I waved back in return. Standing beside him, with a grim look on his face, was the object of my constant thought: Louis.
I closed the distance between us and hugged Zayn. I gave him a sisterly peck on his cheek. He looked thinner. He really needed to eat more.
“Hi, you guys.” I greeted them with a genuine smile on my face. I had not expected to see Louis here.
“Hi, princess.” Zayn gave me a tight squeeze. Louis frowned.
“How did you know I was here?”
“We went to your mum’s house and she told us you were here.” Zayn replied.
“Yeah, I was just visiting William.” That should be obvious, shouldn’t it? I was in a cemetery.
“So, what brings you here?” I let Zayn go and dropped my arms to my sides.
“I need to talk to you.” Louis quickly interrupted.
“About what?” I asked warily.
Louis glanced at Zayn. Zayn held up his hand and suggested, “Why don’t you guys take a walk while you talk? Don’t mind me. I’ll just wait here in the car. Take all the time you want.”
Louis nodded, grabbed my arm and started walking while dragging me behind.
“What... what do you want to talk about?” I stuttered.
“Let’s go and visit William first.” He suggested, letting go of my arm.
“Okay.” We walked in silence until we reached William’s grave. I stole a glance at him. He looked exceptionally good-looking today. But then, to me, he always looked good. He shoved both his hands into the pockets of his denim jacket. I noticed there was a bleak look in his eyes.
“Hi, angel.” I said to William softly. “Someone’s here to see you.”
“Hi, buddy. Sorry, I didn’t get to see you much. I missed you.” He took out a small model car from his pocket and put it on the ground, next to the fire engine. “I bought this for you. I have one just like this, only bigger. I want you to have this one.”
I blinked a few times and breathed in deeply to prevent the tears in my eyes from falling down my cheeks. The way he talked lovingly to William and his sweet and thoughtful gesture of bringing a toy for him, touched me deeply. He would be a wonderful father to his children.
“He had my name.” He said suddenly, without looking at me. His eyes were fixed on the headstone, where William’s name was carved.
“Yes.” I mumbled uncomfortably. I did not know what else to say.
“Did you name him after me?”
“Yes.” I said quietly. I watched his face for reaction.
He was silent for a few second. I could pinpoint the exact second when he read William’s date of birth on the headstone and made the connection. Then, he turned and fixed his gaze on me. He demanded impatiently, “He was mine, wasn’t he, Holly?”
My heart skipped a few heartbeats at the question although I somehow knew his earlier questions were leading up to this. I had to swallow hard as the answer was lodged in my throat.
“Yes.” I admitted nervously. “He was your son.”
“And you didn’t even see the need to tell me of this?” He burst out angrily. The disappointment and disbelief were clearly written on his face.
“I tried to tell you in New York. You would not listen.” That was a lame excuse.
“You tried...” He stopped, ran his fingers through his hair. “In New York? That was..... what? Three months ago? What about three years before that?”
The hurt and disappointment I saw in his eyes broke my heart.
“Why only after all these times? Why didn’t you tell me when you found out you were pregnant? What? You think that I wouldn’t shoulder the responsibility? Was your opinion of me that low?”
I wanted to touch him, to hug him, to make all the pain go away. I wanted to make him feel better because it was not his fault. Well, it was kind of his fault that I got pregnant. The fault was partly his, partly mine. It takes two to tango, as they say. Both of us were well aware that what we had been doing would result in pregnancy if we are not careful. I wanted to comfort him. But I didn’t. He would only reject that.
For as long as I live, I would never forget the look on his face. His eyes were glassy from the unshed tears in his eyes. I did not know if I would be able to fix and heal the hurt that I caused him.
“No. Louis, no.” I protested desperately.” That’s not it. I left because I knew that you would insist on being a father. I left because I knew that you would take your responsibility seriously.” The words came out in a rush because I was anxious to make him understand the reason behind my decision.
“You left because... I don’t understand!”
“Louis, at that time you and the lads had just signed with Syco. Having a pregnant girlfriend was not a good way to start your career. It would only hold you back. I would ruin your chances. You would lose a lot of things by staying with me and coming out with the pregnancy. Do you understand? I didn’t want to hold you back. I want you to make it big like I know you would. I didn’t want you to sacrifice your career because of it. I didn’t want to make you choose. I love you too much for that.” I explained, trying to make him understand my reason for doing what I did.
“Oh, God! Unbelievable.” He kept shaking his head. Tears were now streaming down his face. He wiped his face with the palm of his hand to get rid of the unwanted tears.
“I am so very sorry for hurting you but I did not regret what I did. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have done the same. I’m sorry.” I said apologetically.
He inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. He shook his head emphatically and said calmly, “You know what? I can’t deal with this right now. So, I think, I’ll just go.” He abruptly walked away, leaving me staring helplessly at this retreating back.
After he was gone from my sight, I walked slowly back to my car. Louis’ car was gone, but Zayn was sitting in the hood of my car, waiting for my return. I gave him a shaky smile. He stood up from and opened his arms wide for me to walk into. He wrapped me in his comforting arms and I cried on his chest. He stroked my hair in a comforting gesture while I cried.
When my tears were dried, I pulled away slightly to wipe the remnants of tears on my cheeks with my fingers.
With one arm still around me, holding me close, Zayn tipped my chin up, so he could look into my eyes. “What happened, princess? Louis just left in a dark mood.”
“He wanted to know if William was his son.” I explained miserably.
“No wonder he was so angry.” Zayn said reflectively.
“What do I do now, sunshine?”
“Nothing.” He said comfortingly. “Don’t worry too much about it. Louis will be okay.”
“I hope so. I felt guilty for hurting him and I regret that, but I did not regret what I did. I still think I did the right thing. I wish he would understand why I did it.”
Zayn sighed resignedly. “I love you, Holly, but I kind of understand how Louis felt and why he would be angry. I would be angry too if someone did that to me.”
He let go of me and took my hands in his. “Why didn’t you just tell him? I’m sure that he would have taken care of you and William. He is the biggest softie when it comes to children. He loves them.”
The smile I gave him was bittersweet. “I know that he does, sunshine. That is one of the reasons why I left. Because I knew he would insist on staying with me and the baby.”
“I don’t understand.” Zayn said tugging my hands so that I would follow him to the nearby bench where we could sit down and talk.
“I know you don’t.”
“Then, explain it to me.”
