Second Chance - Chapter 23

WILLIAM

HOLLY...

A fortnight ago was the anniversary of William’s death. It had been two years. I wanted to visit his grave but I did not think I was strong enough. Mum advised me to take it slow and I did. Today, I felt like I was a little stronger. I felt I could do it. I missed my little angel. I remembered how devastated I felt when the doctors told me, he did not make it. My world fell apart. He was my everything and the only connection I had left to Louis.

I left early. Mum was still sleeping, so I left her a note telling her where I went. I brought along William’s favourite toy, a bright red fire engine which was a gift from Louis, with me. On my way, I stopped by a nearby florist to buy a bouquet of white calla lilies, my favourite flower.

As I arrived at the cemetery, I saw a couple was also visiting their loved ones. I liked the quietness and the tranquillity of the place. I strolled slowly, taking in the surrounding. The air was crisp and cool. I loved it.

When I reached William’s resting place, I felt chocked up. I always thought of it as ‘resting place’as I could not bring myself to say ‘grave’.

“Hi there, mummy’s little angel. Mummy is sorry for not coming to see you for quite some time. Mummy went to see Uncle Ryan in New York, and also Daddy and his friends. I missed you so much, sweetheart.” I sat down on the grass and began my one-sided conversation with William.

“I hope you are happy there. How is Grandpa? Do the two of you get along well? I hope you do. Did you see Uncle Ryan there? If you see him, tell him that Mummy missed him.” I put the flower against the headstone.

“I saw Daddy the other day and he looked good, but was quite angry at me for leaving him. But we had to, hadn’t we, sweetheart? You know that Daddy loves you, don’t you? The two of you had fun when you visited him during his shows, didn’t you? I know that it was not enough, but that was the best I could do. I want you to know you daddy, and I want him to see how wonderful you were. He fell in love with you the first time he saw you, didn’t he?” I smiled to myself and took out the red fire engine from my bag and put it on the ground near the headstone.

“Look at what I brought for you. Your favourite toy. The one that daddy gave you. You loved the toy so much, remember? When you brought it home the first time, you would not even let it go. I had to wait until you fell asleep to put it away.” Remembering the good times made my smile waver a bit.

“Daddy is going to be so angry that I kept you a secret, sweetheart. I am sorry too, that I deprived you and your daddy of the chance to really to get to know each other. Once you were old enough to travel and attend his show, I tried to bring you there. I tried to find any opportunity for you to spend time with Daddy. You loved it, didn’t you?” I traced his name on the headstone, trying hard to rid off the emptiness I felt.

“I am glad you enjoyed your time with Daddy, I tried so that the two of you did not miss too much of each other’s life. We sent him pictures and videos of you, didn’t we? I know that was not enough, but that was the best I could do. I’m sorry you did not have your daddy see how what a wonderful little angel you were. I’m sorry, sweetheart.” 

I stayed for another hour, talking to William about everything under the sun. I told him about my life now and how I was mending my relationship with his grandma, about Uncle Zayn, Uncle Rayn, his grandpa and his daddy. I glanced around. There were a few visitors at the far side of the cemetery.

“Well, I got to go, sweetheart. But I’ll come again soon, I promise. I love you to the moon and back, little angel. Rest well.” I blew him a kiss, before I walked back to my car.

I made it. Little by little, I had accepted that my father, William and Ryan were gone. Mum said that time would heal all wounds. We just didn’t know how long it would take. Maybe she was right. Maybe today was the day I started healing. 

From a distance, as I was walking towards the car park, I could see two familiar figures leaning against my car, waiting for me. As I drew nearer, Zayn grinned and waved at me in greeting. I waved back in return. Standing beside him, with a grim look on his face, was the object of my constant thought: Louis.

I closed the distance between us and hugged Zayn. I gave him a sisterly peck on his cheek. He looked thinner. He really needed to eat more. 

“Hi, you guys.” I greeted them with a genuine smile on my face. I had not expected to see Louis here.

“Hi, princess.” Zayn gave me a tight squeeze. Louis frowned.

“How did you know I was here?”

“We went to your mum’s house and she told us you were here.” Zayn replied.

“Yeah, I was just visiting William.” That should be obvious, shouldn’t it? I was in a cemetery.

“So, what brings you here?” I let Zayn go and dropped my arms to my sides.

“I need to talk to you.” Louis quickly interrupted.

“About what?” I asked warily.

Louis glanced at Zayn. Zayn held up his hand and suggested, “Why don’t you guys take a walk while you talk? Don’t mind me. I’ll just wait here in the car. Take all the time you want.”

Louis nodded, grabbed my arm and started walking while dragging me behind.

“What... what do you want to talk about?” I stuttered. 

“Let’s go and visit William first.” He suggested, letting go of my arm. 

“Okay.” We walked in silence until we reached William’s grave. I stole a glance at him. He looked exceptionally good-looking today. But then, to me, he always looked good. He shoved both his hands into the pockets of his denim jacket. I noticed there was a bleak look in his eyes.

“Hi, angel.” I said to William softly. “Someone’s here to see you.”

“Hi, buddy. Sorry, I didn’t get to see you much. I missed you.” He took out a small model car from his pocket and put it on the ground, next to the fire engine. “I bought this for you. I have one just like this, only bigger. I want you to have this one.”

I blinked a few times and breathed in deeply to prevent the tears in my eyes from falling down my cheeks. The way he talked lovingly to William and his sweet and thoughtful gesture of bringing a toy for him, touched me deeply. He would be a wonderful father to his children.

“He had my name.” He said suddenly, without looking at me. His eyes were fixed on the headstone, where William’s name was carved.

“Yes.” I mumbled uncomfortably. I did not know what else to say.

“Did you name him after me?”

“Yes.” I said quietly. I watched his face for reaction.

He was silent for a few second. I could pinpoint the exact second when he read William’s date of birth on the headstone and made the connection. Then, he turned and fixed his gaze on me. He demanded impatiently, “He was mine, wasn’t he, Holly?”

My heart skipped a few heartbeats at the question although I somehow knew his earlier questions were leading up to this. I had to swallow hard as the answer was lodged in my throat.

“Yes.” I admitted nervously. “He was your son.”

“And you didn’t even see the need to tell me of this?” He burst out angrily. The disappointment and disbelief were clearly written on his face.

“I tried to tell you in New York. You would not listen.” That was a lame excuse.

“You tried...” He stopped, ran his fingers through his hair. “In New York? That was..... what? Three months ago? What about three years before that?”

The hurt and disappointment I saw in his eyes broke my heart.

“Why only after all these times? Why didn’t you tell me when you found out you were pregnant? What? You think that I wouldn’t shoulder the responsibility? Was your opinion of me that low?” 

I wanted to touch him, to hug him, to make all the pain go away. I wanted to make him feel better because it was not his fault. Well, it was kind of his fault that I got pregnant. The fault was partly his, partly mine. It takes two to tango, as they say. Both of us were well aware that what we had been doing would result in pregnancy if we are not careful. I wanted to comfort him. But I didn’t. He would only reject that.

For as long as I live, I would never forget the look on his face. His eyes were glassy from the unshed tears in his eyes. I did not know if I would be able to fix and heal the hurt that I caused him.

“No. Louis, no.” I protested desperately.” That’s not it. I left because I knew that you would insist on being a father. I left because I knew that you would take your responsibility seriously.” The words came out in a rush because I was anxious to make him understand the reason behind my decision.

“You left because... I don’t understand!”

“Louis, at that time you and the lads had just signed with Syco. Having a pregnant girlfriend was not a good way to start your career. It would only hold you back. I would ruin your chances. You would lose a lot of things by staying with me and coming out with the pregnancy. Do you understand? I didn’t want to hold you back. I want you to make it big like I know you would. I didn’t want you to sacrifice your career because of it. I didn’t want to make you choose. I love you too much for that.” I explained, trying to make him understand my reason for doing what I did.

“Oh, God! Unbelievable.” He kept shaking his head. Tears were now streaming down his face. He wiped his face with the palm of his hand to get rid of the unwanted tears.

“I am so very sorry for hurting you but I did not regret what I did. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have done the same. I’m sorry.” I said apologetically.

He inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. He shook his head emphatically and said calmly, “You know what? I can’t deal with this right now. So, I think, I’ll just go.” He abruptly walked away, leaving me staring helplessly at this retreating back.

After he was gone from my sight, I walked slowly back to my car. Louis’ car was gone, but Zayn was sitting in the hood of my car, waiting for my return. I gave him a shaky smile. He stood up from and opened his arms wide for me to walk into. He wrapped me in his comforting arms and I cried on his chest. He stroked my hair in a comforting gesture while I cried.

When my tears were dried, I pulled away slightly to wipe the remnants of tears on my cheeks with my fingers. 

With one arm still around me, holding me close, Zayn tipped my chin up, so he could look into my eyes. “What happened, princess? Louis just left in a dark mood.”

“He wanted to know if William was his son.” I explained miserably. 

“No wonder he was so angry.” Zayn said reflectively.

“What do I do now, sunshine?”

“Nothing.” He said comfortingly. “Don’t worry too much about it. Louis will be okay.”

“I hope so. I felt guilty for hurting him and I regret that, but I did not regret what I did. I still think I did the right thing. I wish he would understand why I did it.”

Zayn sighed resignedly. “I love you, Holly, but I kind of understand how Louis felt and why he would be angry. I would be angry too if someone did that to me.” 

He let go of me and took my hands in his. “Why didn’t you just tell him? I’m sure that he would have taken care of you and William. He is the biggest softie when it comes to children. He loves them.”

The smile I gave him was bittersweet. “I know that he does, sunshine. That is one of the reasons why I left. Because I knew he would insist on staying with me and the baby.”

“I don’t understand.” Zayn said tugging my hands so that I would follow him to the nearby bench where we could sit down and talk.

“I know you don’t.”

“Then, explain it to me.”

Second Chance - Chapter 22

BABY DADDY

LOUIS...

I left New York with Niall and Liam a day after Holly had gone back to England. I seriously considered calling, to see how she was doing, but I forced myself to stay away. Zayn stayed behind for a few days to spend time with his girlfriend. According to Zayn, Holly went straight to Bradford the day she arrived in England.

As I had not seen my own family in months, I decided to go and visit them. I missed my mum and sisters a lot. Being away from home so much, like the lads and I did, made us appreciate the time spent with our family even more. Home was where we could really be ourselves.

I like to just stay at home and spend times with family and friends when I was there. Sometimes, I would just drive around just to see the old hang out places I used to go with my friends. It seemed like another lifetime.

I had been home for a few days when mum commented that I was a bit out of sort. I told her, I was just tired. Well, I was tired but that was not the real reason. I just did not want her to worry. Holly kept creeping into my mind. She was almost always on my mind. I tried NOT to think about her, but I could not help myself. I would be watching football on the telly, when my mind would wander to our time watching football together. I would be taking a walk and I would remember how she used to love our walk together. I did not want to think about her. She disturbed my peace of mind, and I did not like it. But pushing her out of my head was harder than saying it.

I was spending a lazy day at home, when I found my old laptop sitting in my closet. I turned it on and clicked through some picture files, smiling to myself as I found picture of the delightful William. I missed that little boy.

 My mum found me grinning fondly at a particular video file that one of the lads took of me and William. I was kicking some balls with the boy.

“What are you watching, sweetheart?” She was curious, as I had not been my usual cheerful self lately.

“Hi, Mum. Just looking through some old pictures and videos I found.” I turned around, with a happy smile on my face, and looked up at my mum who was standing behind me. She gave my shoulder a squeeze. She probably missed seeing smiles on my face.

Mum went around and sat beside me on the sofa to look at the pictures. She was so quiet that I turned to look at her. Her eyes were glued to the screen of my laptop. When she realised that I was staring at her, she looked at me straight in the eyes and inquired, “Louis, sweetheart, is there something that you are not telling me?”

“What do you mean?” I was a bit confused.

She gave me an exasperated look and nodded towards the direction of my laptop. “Who’s the boy?”

I glanced back at the picture and smiled fondly, “This little fellow? Oh, I met him during our tour in the US. Adorable, isn’t he?”

Mum was still staring at me with a serious look on her face. “You met him? Go on.”

“He came to a few of our shows and the two of us just hit it off. He really liked me. I was his favourite. Unfortunately, he was killed in an accident about a year ago.” I continued.

Mum was still staring at me with a fierce look on her face. “That’s all? Are you sure?”

“Mum, what exactly is this about?” I could not figure out what trigger her question. Since she was acting really odd, I gave her a bemused look and turned to face her.

“He’s not yours?” Mum asked me bluntly, seeing the bewildered look on my face.

“Mum!”

“I know! I know! But are you sure he’s not yours?” Mum persisted.

“I am quite sure, yes. If he was, I’m sure the mother would tell me, wouldn’t she?”

Mum bit her lower lips like she always did when she was thinking hard. Without saying a word, she got off the sofa and headed for the door. She left me feeling puzzled. When she returned a few minutes later, she had a big picture album in her hands. I knew the album very well. Mum kept the pictures of my sisters and me in that album ever since we were little.

She sat down beside me and opened the album. She started turning the pages until she found a picture of me in Nan’s house. I was about two years old in that picture. She put the album on my lap, on top of my laptop.

“Look at this picture of you.” She ordered. “And compared it to the picture of the boy.”

I looked at her oddly but I obeyed her. Just what was she getting at? My eyes went back and forth between the picture in the album and the one on my laptop’s screen. Only then I understood what my mum saw. The resemblance of the two boys in the picture was so uncanny that it freaked me out.

“Do you understand now?” Mum entreated. “The boy looks so much like you when you were little.”

I was speechless. The realisation of the fact that William could be my son, sunk slowly in my brain. I was so overwhelmed; it left me gasping for air. I felt like somebody had just punched me in the stomach and I could not think straight.

“Is he yours, Louis? Is he my grandson?”Mum persisted. 

“I don’t know, Mum.” I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “He did look like me in this photo.”

“So, do you know the mother well or was she a casual acquaintance or a stranger?” She quizzed.

“A stranger? Mum!” I knew what she was getting at but not a chance on earth was I going to discuss my sex life with my mum. “Have a little faith, would you.”

“So, you know the mother.” She was nothing if not persistent. 

I slowly nodded. I still could not believe my eyes. I was still staring at William’s picture. I did not know exactly what to feel. Anger, grief, thrill, pleasure; all rolled into one.

“Is there any possibility that he might be yours?” She was extremely persistent. I nodded again. Yeah, there was HUGE possibility.

“Who is the mother, sweetie?” My mum’s gaze never left my face.

I sighed and leaned back on the sofa. After several heartbeats, I said resignedly, “Holly.” I closed my eyes while contemplating the next course of action that I should take.

“The one that broke your heart?” Mum knew everything about me. I never actually told her but somehow she knew. Well, mums always did. It was one of their superpowers. 

“Yes.” I confessed.

“You never told me what happened, sweetheart.”

“She left. Just like that. No explanation. Nothing at all. A few weeks later, she called to tell me, she was breaking up with me. I didn’t even know what I did wrong.” I explained the details to my mum. “She got married, but her husband died of cancer recently.”

“Are you still in contact with her?”

“Not really. Since she broke up with me, I haven’t talked to her or seen her until she came to see Zayn about three months ago. She is even more beautiful, Mum.”

“Are you still in love with her?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. A part of me says it is just an obsession and a part of me does not want to do anything with her.”

“Oh, come here, baby.” Mum gave me a hug. You are afraid of getting hurt again, aren’t you?”

I did not know how to answer that.

“So, what are you going to do?” Mum asked curiously.

“I’m not quite sure.” I confessed.

“Aren’t you going to ask her if the child was yours?”

“Should I?”

“Louis William Tomlinson! If that child was my grandson, I want to know.”

“What’s the point, Mum? He died almost two years ago.”

“Sweetheart, if that child was yours, I want to know why she didn’t she tell you about him. Why did she deprive you from knowing your own flesh and blood?”

“Okay, Mum. I get it. To be honest, I am afraid of what her answer would be. I am also afraid what i would do to her, if she says William was indeed my son.”

“Louis.” Mum almost shrieked. She put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a strange look. “His name was ‘William’?”

“Yes.” I could not help being perplexed why she was freaking out about that. So, he was called ‘William’. So what?

“Louis!”

“What is it, Mum?” I still did not get what she was getting at.

Mum gave me her ‘you-gotta-be-kidding’ look. “She named him ‘William’. Your middle name is ‘William’. You don’t think she named him after you? You think it was just a coincidence that the boy is also called ‘William’?”

I had never thought of it that way. Mum pressed both her hand on my cheeks and gave my forehead a kiss. “Now I am even more convinced that the boy was yours.”

I could feel my anger started to bubble up. I put the laptop and the album aside and started to rise from the sofa.

Mum took my larger hands in her smaller ones.  “I know you’re angry, but don’t take it out on her. Talk to her and listen to what she has to say. Whatever it is, it is all in the past.”

I gave a forced smile so that she did not worry. “Don’t worry, Mum. I know what to do.”

“I know you do, sweetheart.” Mum kissed me on the cheek before getting up from the sofa and walked out of the room.

I did not know exactly to react to all these. My heart was pounding so hard and my mouth felt dry. I took several deep breaths to calm myself down, as I paced the length of my bedroom floor before I picked up my phone to call Zayn, to ask him of Holly’s whereabouts. 

“What do you want with her?” Zayn asked curiously, when I asked him about Holly.

“Just some unfinished business.” I hesitated to tell Zayn what it was all about.

“About what?” He was quite persistent when it came to Holly.

“None of your business, Zayn.” I was starting to get annoyed.

“Holly is my business, Louis. Don’t you go and hurt her.” Zayn warned.

“Me hurting her? What about the fact she’s the one hurting me?” I lashed out bitterly.

Zayn sighed with frustration. “Look, Louis. Both of you are my friends and I love the both of you. I don’t want to see any of you get hurt. But if the two of you only hurt each other every time you are together, then I think it is better for you to stay away from each other.”

“I AM staying away from her. But this is important, Zayn. If not, I wouldn’t have asked.”

“Okay, fine. She’s at her mother’s house.” Zayn said resignedly. 

“Okay. Thanks, man.”

 So, I decided to see her. I would take me less than an hour drive from home to Bradford. 

Second Chance - Chapter 21

HOME SWEET HOME

HOLLY...

“Did you have a good time today?” My mum asked me, when I came out of my old room, as she was preparing dinner. 

I had been staying with my mum since I arrived at her doorstep almost a fortnight ago. I called her from the airport as soon as I landed at Heathrow to tell her I was coming for a visit. Coming back to Bradford and my old house especially, was nostalgic. It brought back so many unpleasant memories, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

I remembered sneaking out of the house through my bedroom window, after witnessing my parents’ fights, and running to Zayn’s old house which was just a few minutes walk down the street.

I looked around and noticed a lot of things had changed; one of them being, the Maliks no longer lived on our street. Zayn had bought his family a bigger and better home, so his family could live more comfortably.

“Yeah, I did.” I gave her a slight smile. We were still trying to mend our relationship. It would not be easy but I was willing to try. 

“I’m glad. Did you meet any of your old friends?” My mum said while grating carrots for the carrot and spicy lamb meatballs. I marvelled how little my mum knew of my life during my teen years. I did not have many friends and the only one I was really close to was Zayn.

I shook my head. “Actually, I went to visit Zayn and his family.”

“Oh, how is he?”

“He’s okay.” Mum had no idea who Zayn was. Mum has never met him and he had never came to my house.

We fell silent. Keeping conversation going was not our greatest forte. We never really talk as I preferred to spend times away from home. Away from home always meant the Maliks’ home. I guess, you could say that I knew Zayn’s mum better than I knew my own. 

I used to resent my mum when I was younger. Now, I kind of pity her. She has no one except me. I knew that if I were to mend our relationship, we needed to seriously talk. The problem was I did not know what to say to her and she was also at loss on what to say to me.

I let my gaze stray to the wall, which was filled with framed photos of our little family. There were many pictures of me when I was younger. I was maybe about two or three years old. There was none when I got older. That was when the trouble at home began. We began to spend less time together as a family. Mum and Dad began fighting over anything and everything. Nothing seemed right to Dad. He criticised everything from mum’s cooking to the way she dressed, and from my attitude to the friends I kept. When I was in my teen, Dad began to spend less time at home, he was mostly away. When he came home, he and my mum quarrel all the time. 

Mum on her part blamed everyone, especially Dad and me for being the reason why she could not pursue her study like her friends did. She was set on going to Uni when she found out she was pregnant. Mum decided to put her study on hold and Dad, his career.  After they had me, things got harder. Dad had to forget his aspiration of becoming a musician for a while and Mum had to put her dreams of going to Uni indefinitely. Resentment grew and things got ugly.

I blink away tears that threatened to fall. I turned to face my Mum. “Did you love Dad?”

She was visibly startled when I posed the question. She looked sharply at me. “Why do you ask?”

I looked at my hands, avoiding her eyes and I shrugged. “I just want to know. Did you marry him because you love him or because he got you pregnant?”

Mum sighed and wiped invisible sweat with the back of her hands. I was not sure if she was really sweating or just stalling. When she did not answer, I continued softly, “I married Ryan because I was scared. I was scared of being alone. I was fond of Ryan but I was not in love with him.”

Some time passed before Mum answered my question. “I loved your father. But we were so young when we got married and became parents. We love you...”

“You sure don’t act like it.” I cut in angrily.

Mum was quiet for a while. Then, she put down the carrot and the grater she was holding and placed her hand on my cheek. “I am so sorry, sweetie. When temper runs high, we say many things we don’t mean. But no matter what happen, I have always loved you. You are my only child. Forgive me for not noticing how hurt you were. My only excuse is that I was hurting too. I know that was no excuse but I was not thinking straight at that time. I was hurt and all I want to do was to lash out so everyone could feel my pain too. It was selfish, I know.”

“We love you, Holly. Your Dad and me. We were so excited when you came. But I guess we begrudge the things we did not get to do and did not have. We had big dreams.”

Her eyes were full of sorrow and were gleaming with unshed tears. “It was only when you were gone that I realised what I had done and how self-centred I was. I began to regret everything that I did not do. I should be there supporting you through your pregnancy. I should have told you that I love you more often, so that you would never doubt it. I should have realised that you were the best thing that happened to me.” She said tearfully.

 “Mum...” I stepped towards my mum and hugged her.

“I am so sorry. So sorry” She kept repeating the phrase over and over again, as if hoping that the words could erase the unpleasant memories from our minds.

“Hush, mum. It’s okay. Forget about it.” I let her go and forced her to look at me. “Why don’t we start anew? Okay?”

Mum gave me a wobbly smile. “That sounds like a good idea.” She said gratefully.

“Why don’t we start by making dinner?” I suggested. Mum smiled and I could see the glimpse of the happy, beautiful woman I saw in the picture on the wall. We worked side by side for a while in companionable silence.

“You were a lot stronger than I was, Holly.” Mum broke the silence.

I smiled and shook my head. “I don’t think I was, Mum. I was just lucky that I had good people around me. Zayn was always there and then there’s Ryan.”

“I’m glad.” Mum was pleased I had friends whom I could depend on.

“Me too.”

“Was Ryan the one?”

“The one? What do you mean?” I was a bit confused with the question.

“William’s father.” Mum clarified and fixed her gaze on me. I had never told her what really happened. She knew I was pregnant but that was it. I never told her who the father of my child was or why he was not in the picture. 

“Ryan?” I shook my head slightly. We finished grating the carrot and mum put half of them into the sauce she was making for the dish. The other half would be mixed with other ingredients to make the meatballs. “No. No, he wasn’t the father. It was somebody else. I met him when I went to London to see Zayn.”

I smiled remembering the early days when I met Louis. “He was funny, sassy and loud. I fell for him the first time I met him. I thought he was the best-looking boy I have ever met. He has beautiful, mesmerising blue eyes. William had his eyes.”

“Why didn’t you marry him?”

“Mum, these days a girl does not have to get married just because she got pregnant.” I stated. I took the remainder of the grated carrot and place it in a bowl with other ingredients.  

“But you married Ryan.” Mum pointed out.

“I married him after I had William. I was depressed. I was lonely and scared.” I explained while cracking the egg and separating the yolk. 

“Did William’s father leave you when you told him you were expecting his child?”

I sighed. “No, he didn’t leave me. I was the one who left him and he didn’t even know I was carrying his baby.” I confessed as I mixed all the ingredients together. 

“What?” Mum was clearly shocked. “Why?”

“Why? Well, because he had.... ambition. Big ambition. I guess, I did not want be in his way.” I replied honestly, as I divided the mixture into 12 pieces then roll each into a small ball. 

“Oh God, Holly.” Mum said regretfully. “Your father and I ruined everything for you, didn’t we?”

“Don’t say that, Mum.”

“What can I say, sweetheart? I am so sorry. What happened between your father and me coloured your perception of everything. It shouldn’t be that way, Holly. You should not base everything on what went on between me and your father.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mum. I am fine now.” I tried to rid her of the guilty feeling that she felt. “All that was in the past.”

“Did William’s father achieve his dreams?” 

“Yes, he did. I am happy for him.” At least Louis had his career.

“Are you going to tell him about William?”

“I already tried, Mum. But he would not listen.”

“Okay. So what are your plans?”

“I’m in the middle of writing another book and I am thinking of going to London but I’m not sure when.”

Mum patted my hands, comforting me. “Take all the time you want, sweetheart. And stay for as long as you like.”

The smile I gave my mum was genuine. “Thanks, Mum. I really appreciate it.”

That was the first time Mum and I had a long heart to heart talk. After dinner, we talked about Dad, about the good and the bad times we had.

I was glad my mum and I had this conversation. It seemed to clear the air and I guess we could move forward from now on. 

Second Chance - Chapter 20

JUST FRIENDS

HOLLY...

I opened my eyes to a darkened room and I had no idea what time it was. I was alone and my head was killing me. I saw my phone on the side table and reached for it. I glanced at it to look at the time. It was 8.15am.

My head was hurting. I must have drunk myself silly last night. Slowly, I crawl out of bed, trying not to add to the massive headache I was having. Only then did I realise that I was only clad in my under garment. Where did my clothes go?

I looked around gingerly, trying not to make sudden movement. The bottled water on the bedside table caught my eyes. I grabbed it and twisted the cap open. Greedily, I drank the whole bottle. I casted the bottle aside after putting the cap back on. 

I saw my clothes draped on the back of a chair together with the clothes Louis wore yesterday. I really did not remember taking them off last night. While deliberately taking measured steps towards the toilet, I remembered that I did not bring any change of clothes. 

I decided to borrow Louis’ clothes. I was sure he would not mind. I searched for them in his bag and took out a white round neck t-shirt and a charcoal grey sweat pants. I grimaced as I could not bring myself to put on my worn underwear again so I decided to go without them.

I brought all the chosen items into the toilet. The hot shower spray on my head was soothing and it was making my headache a bit better. I was reaching for the soap when I saw the wedding ring on my finger. Wedding ring without the marriage because my marriage to Ryan was annulled. The notification came a few days before he passed away. Our marriage was voidable, the reason being that it was not consummated. So, our marriage was technically never existed and was never valid. There was no marriage!

Ryan had wanted to distance me from what would happen after his death. 

I understood his motive but I still felt the grief of losing a good friend. I felt lost and hopeless. I cried until the storm inside me subsided. 

I stepped out of the shower and glanced at the mirror and looked at my own reflection. The image in the mirror was of a pale woman with bloodshot eyes. She looked scared, lost, lonely and unsure what will happen next. I did not like what I saw very much. I put on my borrowed clothes while thinking about what I was going to do next. 

When I was done, I opened the door to the room and discovered that Louis still had not come back. The silence in the room was suffocating me, so I decided to go for a walk. Then, I realised that the t-shirt I had on was a bit thin. As I had no underwear on, I could see my nipples pushing against the fabric. 

I took Louis’ black hoodie from his bag and put it on. I headed towards the door and grabbed the door knob. I twisted it and pulled the door opened, and was about to stepped out of the room when Louis’ voice stopped me in my track.

“Vicky, please. There is nothing between me and Holly. She is just a friend, okay? We’re just friends. Would you please calm down? You are making a scene.” Louis said stiffly. 

Slowly and silently, I closed the door until it was open just a crack. I could not help but eavesdropped on their conversation.

 “Calm down? Why should I calm down? Why are you the one that has to be with her? Why isn’t she with Zayn? She’s his best friend. He’s the one who should be with her! Not you!” Vicky was agitated and her voice shrill.

 “She had just lost her husband, Vicky, for heaven’s sake!” Louis sounded exasperated.

“But the others weren’t with her last night!” 

“Nothing happened. And there will never be! We’re just friends.”

It should not have hurt but it did. Carefully, I closed the door without making any sound and rested my forehead against it. Just friends. Yeah, that’s what we were. Was I hoping for more? Maybe. Did I deserve another chance after what I had done? Probably not.

Just friends...Of course we were just friends. What else could we be? I knew it. I knew where I stand. I had always known we could never be anything else. I understand that, yet I still ache for him. 

What did I expect? That Louis would welcome me back with open arms? I sniffed and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall again. I walked towards the window and stare unseeingly at the city down below.

I wanted him so much and I knew it in my heart and soul, if I stay around him much longer, he would see that I was still deeply and madly in love with him. Even at this moment, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I had never stopped loving him. Once he stole my heart, I had never had it back. He was the only one for me. I needed to go away. I could not stay knowing he could never be mine again. He has Vicky.

So, I should put away my hopes and dreams to be with Louis again because that would not happen. Ever. We were just friend. Nothing more than a friend. I needed to remember that.

God! Was crying the only thing I was good at? Every time something happened all I would do was cry. I would fall apart and somebody else would make everything better. I had Zayn, Ryan and for a while there, I had Louis do that for me. I had always depend on other people to make the decision for me. When I got problems at home, Zayn was there for me. When I got pregnant and when my son died, I let Ryan took care of everything.

Now Ryan was gone. Zayn had his own life to lead and Louis..... Louis had Vicky. I felt like the third wheel in everybody’s life.

I was tired of crying but I could not seem to stop. Why couldn’t I be strong? I knew that I needed to move on and I should stop depending on others. I need to depend on myself. I need to take charge of my life! Starting this moment.

I would go back to England. My mom was still there. Maybe I could go and visit her and at the same time nurse my broken heart. Even though we did not have the best mother-daughter relationship, she was the only family I had left. The last time I saw her was at my father’s funeral, which was more than a year ago.

With the intention of taking a walk was long gone from my mind, I picked up the phone from the bedside table and called Allie. She picked up on the fourth ring. I asked her to book me the next available flight to London and to send clothes for me to change into as my clothes from yesterday were hopelessly rumpled. Less than half an hour later, Allie texted me my fight details and promised to send my things to the hotel. After that, I texted Zayn to tell him of my decision.

 Sunshine, I’m going home to see my mum today.

I pressed ‘send’ and closed my eyes, as I realised that I was truly going home. I stood and walked to the window to look at the city which I made my home for the past three years. This could probably be the last time for me to be here. I love New York but there was nothing to keep me here. Both Ryan and William were gone.

I seriously needed to move on. I needed to accept that Ryan was gone, and that there would never be anything between me and Louis. We were just friends. I needed to forget about him.

I was surprised when I realised that my cheeks were wet due to the tears streaming down my face. I hate to cry but I could not help myself. The waterworks seemed to be easily turned on by anything at all. I heard the door opened and closed softly.

“Holly? You’re awake.”  The voice of the man, whom I lost my heart to, was directly behind me. His voice tugged at my heartstring but I need to forget him. “Are you okay?”

Without turning away from the window, I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I inhaled deeply and answered him. “I’m fine.”

“You’ll make yourself sick, if you cry too much. Remember, Ryan would want you to move on.”

He thought that I was crying over Ryan. I was relieved that I did not have to respond to that when my phone rang. I quickly picked it up and saw that Zayn’s name was displayed on the screen.

“Hi.” I said softly into the phone.

“Are you still at the hotel?” He said without preamble.

“Uh, yeah.”

“I’ll be there in 10, okay.” 

“Okay.”

“When are you leaving?”

“My flight is at 3.”

“Okay. I’ll see you shortly.” He quickly hung up without even saying goodbye. 

“Are you going somewhere?” My eyes flew to his face. I had forgotten Louis was in the room.

“Uh, yeah. I’m going back to England to see my mum.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Alright.”

When I glanced at his face, it was expressionless. His unreadable eyes were staring at me intently, which made me uncomfortable.

I managed a slight smile and said to him, “Do I have something on my face?”

He kept staring for a few second before muttering something inaudible under his breath.

“Sorry. What did you say?”

“Uh, I said your face is just fine.” He ran his fingers through his hair and I had the weirdest feeling that he was avoiding looking at me.

I dismissed the thought as being my wild imagination. Then, I looked down at the phone in my hand. That was when I noticed the borrowed hoodie had parted in the middle, exposing the thin, white t-shirt underneath and my erect nipples were clearly visible through the clothing!

Self-consciously, I tugged at the hoodie to cover my chest. I could feel my face flushed.

“I hope you don’t mind I borrowed your clothes. I didn’t bring any yesterday.”

“No. I don’t mind.”

The conversation then fell flat. There was an awkward silence before Louis said, “Would you like something to eat? You have not eaten since yesterday.”

The mention of food caused my stomach to lurch alarmingly. “Just some tea, please. I could not possibly eat anything right now.”

Louis picked up the phone and ordered tea and toast. I sat down on one of the chairs and peer through my lashes at Louis. I wonder where Vicky was. Louis probably managed to persuade her to calm down.

Zayn arrived after our tea and toast were delivered. They kindly offered to send me to the airport but I refused, as Noah would be picking me up. When we said our goodbyes, Zayn made me promised to call and tell him when I arrive at my mom’s house. I hugged him and gave his bearded cheek a sisterly kiss. Then, I turned to Louis and hesitated, but he moved forward and hugged me. In his arms, I inhaled his scent and pressed my lips to his shoulder. I loved him so much.

Move on, Holly. Move on. I urged myself.

I would. I told myself with quiet conviction. Surprisingly, peace and calm settled over me.