Second Chance - Chapter 21

HOME SWEET HOME

HOLLY...

“Did you have a good time today?” My mum asked me, when I came out of my old room, as she was preparing dinner. 

I had been staying with my mum since I arrived at her doorstep almost a fortnight ago. I called her from the airport as soon as I landed at Heathrow to tell her I was coming for a visit. Coming back to Bradford and my old house especially, was nostalgic. It brought back so many unpleasant memories, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

I remembered sneaking out of the house through my bedroom window, after witnessing my parents’ fights, and running to Zayn’s old house which was just a few minutes walk down the street.

I looked around and noticed a lot of things had changed; one of them being, the Maliks no longer lived on our street. Zayn had bought his family a bigger and better home, so his family could live more comfortably.

“Yeah, I did.” I gave her a slight smile. We were still trying to mend our relationship. It would not be easy but I was willing to try. 

“I’m glad. Did you meet any of your old friends?” My mum said while grating carrots for the carrot and spicy lamb meatballs. I marvelled how little my mum knew of my life during my teen years. I did not have many friends and the only one I was really close to was Zayn.

I shook my head. “Actually, I went to visit Zayn and his family.”

“Oh, how is he?”

“He’s okay.” Mum had no idea who Zayn was. Mum has never met him and he had never came to my house.

We fell silent. Keeping conversation going was not our greatest forte. We never really talk as I preferred to spend times away from home. Away from home always meant the Maliks’ home. I guess, you could say that I knew Zayn’s mum better than I knew my own. 

I used to resent my mum when I was younger. Now, I kind of pity her. She has no one except me. I knew that if I were to mend our relationship, we needed to seriously talk. The problem was I did not know what to say to her and she was also at loss on what to say to me.

I let my gaze stray to the wall, which was filled with framed photos of our little family. There were many pictures of me when I was younger. I was maybe about two or three years old. There was none when I got older. That was when the trouble at home began. We began to spend less time together as a family. Mum and Dad began fighting over anything and everything. Nothing seemed right to Dad. He criticised everything from mum’s cooking to the way she dressed, and from my attitude to the friends I kept. When I was in my teen, Dad began to spend less time at home, he was mostly away. When he came home, he and my mum quarrel all the time. 

Mum on her part blamed everyone, especially Dad and me for being the reason why she could not pursue her study like her friends did. She was set on going to Uni when she found out she was pregnant. Mum decided to put her study on hold and Dad, his career.  After they had me, things got harder. Dad had to forget his aspiration of becoming a musician for a while and Mum had to put her dreams of going to Uni indefinitely. Resentment grew and things got ugly.

I blink away tears that threatened to fall. I turned to face my Mum. “Did you love Dad?”

She was visibly startled when I posed the question. She looked sharply at me. “Why do you ask?”

I looked at my hands, avoiding her eyes and I shrugged. “I just want to know. Did you marry him because you love him or because he got you pregnant?”

Mum sighed and wiped invisible sweat with the back of her hands. I was not sure if she was really sweating or just stalling. When she did not answer, I continued softly, “I married Ryan because I was scared. I was scared of being alone. I was fond of Ryan but I was not in love with him.”

Some time passed before Mum answered my question. “I loved your father. But we were so young when we got married and became parents. We love you...”

“You sure don’t act like it.” I cut in angrily.

Mum was quiet for a while. Then, she put down the carrot and the grater she was holding and placed her hand on my cheek. “I am so sorry, sweetie. When temper runs high, we say many things we don’t mean. But no matter what happen, I have always loved you. You are my only child. Forgive me for not noticing how hurt you were. My only excuse is that I was hurting too. I know that was no excuse but I was not thinking straight at that time. I was hurt and all I want to do was to lash out so everyone could feel my pain too. It was selfish, I know.”

“We love you, Holly. Your Dad and me. We were so excited when you came. But I guess we begrudge the things we did not get to do and did not have. We had big dreams.”

Her eyes were full of sorrow and were gleaming with unshed tears. “It was only when you were gone that I realised what I had done and how self-centred I was. I began to regret everything that I did not do. I should be there supporting you through your pregnancy. I should have told you that I love you more often, so that you would never doubt it. I should have realised that you were the best thing that happened to me.” She said tearfully.

 “Mum...” I stepped towards my mum and hugged her.

“I am so sorry. So sorry” She kept repeating the phrase over and over again, as if hoping that the words could erase the unpleasant memories from our minds.

“Hush, mum. It’s okay. Forget about it.” I let her go and forced her to look at me. “Why don’t we start anew? Okay?”

Mum gave me a wobbly smile. “That sounds like a good idea.” She said gratefully.

“Why don’t we start by making dinner?” I suggested. Mum smiled and I could see the glimpse of the happy, beautiful woman I saw in the picture on the wall. We worked side by side for a while in companionable silence.

“You were a lot stronger than I was, Holly.” Mum broke the silence.

I smiled and shook my head. “I don’t think I was, Mum. I was just lucky that I had good people around me. Zayn was always there and then there’s Ryan.”

“I’m glad.” Mum was pleased I had friends whom I could depend on.

“Me too.”

“Was Ryan the one?”

“The one? What do you mean?” I was a bit confused with the question.

“William’s father.” Mum clarified and fixed her gaze on me. I had never told her what really happened. She knew I was pregnant but that was it. I never told her who the father of my child was or why he was not in the picture. 

“Ryan?” I shook my head slightly. We finished grating the carrot and mum put half of them into the sauce she was making for the dish. The other half would be mixed with other ingredients to make the meatballs. “No. No, he wasn’t the father. It was somebody else. I met him when I went to London to see Zayn.”

I smiled remembering the early days when I met Louis. “He was funny, sassy and loud. I fell for him the first time I met him. I thought he was the best-looking boy I have ever met. He has beautiful, mesmerising blue eyes. William had his eyes.”

“Why didn’t you marry him?”

“Mum, these days a girl does not have to get married just because she got pregnant.” I stated. I took the remainder of the grated carrot and place it in a bowl with other ingredients.  

“But you married Ryan.” Mum pointed out.

“I married him after I had William. I was depressed. I was lonely and scared.” I explained while cracking the egg and separating the yolk. 

“Did William’s father leave you when you told him you were expecting his child?”

I sighed. “No, he didn’t leave me. I was the one who left him and he didn’t even know I was carrying his baby.” I confessed as I mixed all the ingredients together. 

“What?” Mum was clearly shocked. “Why?”

“Why? Well, because he had.... ambition. Big ambition. I guess, I did not want be in his way.” I replied honestly, as I divided the mixture into 12 pieces then roll each into a small ball. 

“Oh God, Holly.” Mum said regretfully. “Your father and I ruined everything for you, didn’t we?”

“Don’t say that, Mum.”

“What can I say, sweetheart? I am so sorry. What happened between your father and me coloured your perception of everything. It shouldn’t be that way, Holly. You should not base everything on what went on between me and your father.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mum. I am fine now.” I tried to rid her of the guilty feeling that she felt. “All that was in the past.”

“Did William’s father achieve his dreams?” 

“Yes, he did. I am happy for him.” At least Louis had his career.

“Are you going to tell him about William?”

“I already tried, Mum. But he would not listen.”

“Okay. So what are your plans?”

“I’m in the middle of writing another book and I am thinking of going to London but I’m not sure when.”

Mum patted my hands, comforting me. “Take all the time you want, sweetheart. And stay for as long as you like.”

The smile I gave my mum was genuine. “Thanks, Mum. I really appreciate it.”

That was the first time Mum and I had a long heart to heart talk. After dinner, we talked about Dad, about the good and the bad times we had.

I was glad my mum and I had this conversation. It seemed to clear the air and I guess we could move forward from now on.