Second Chance - Chapter 12

THE REASON

HOLLY...

“Okay, shall we start at the beginning?” Louis snapped. I could see he was struggling to control himself not to explode in rage.

“Okay.” I said timidly. That was my only response. What else could I say? I meant to tell them everything but the time was not right. Besides, I was not very good at explaining things. Now, everything exploded in my face.

I wished I could be more like Jenna. She would have never taken anything like this lying down. If she was shouted at, she would shout back. I could never do that.

When my parents fought, usually on top of their lungs, I just want to make them stop. I wanted to shout at them to stop, but I never did. I never did anything other than run away from it all. I would always run away. I hated myself for this.

“Where and when did you meet this guy?” Louis asked flatly. His face was emotionless. His angry stare made me very fidgety.

“Ryan and I met at WW Children’s Home which I used to go every time I went to London. We went there once, if you remember.” I reminded him.

“Yeah, I know the place. You always went there when I was too busy preparing for our performance to be with you.” Louis was recalling every moment that happened.

“Yes.” Again, I did not know what else to say.

“Did he work there?”

“No, he didn’t. He just went there to help out with the children and sometimes give financial support to the children home. He was really good with the children.” I tried to make Louis see Ryan in a good light.

“So, when you were with me you were also seeing him at the same time.”

“Louis, it wasn’t like that.” I protested. He did not understand and I found it very difficult to explain it to him. When Louis was angry, I found it very difficult to find the right words to explain to him. All I could think of was his anger.

“Well, it sounded exactly like that, babe.” Even though he said this sarcastically, my heart still skipped a beat when Louis called me ‘babe’. That only showed what an idiot I was, loving a man who hated me. My only excuse was I had never stopped loving him since I first fell for him.

“Ryan... Ryan and I were just friends.” I clarified.

“Like you and I were friends, love?” He bit my head off and I winced at his harsh tone. I stared at my hands because I could not make myself look at his furious face.

“We were more than friends, Louis.” I said slowly. I dared myself to look at him through my lashes. He was gnashing his teeth.

“Really, babe?” He was mocking me.

“Louis...”

“Okay, let me get this straight. You dumped me, whom you said was ‘more than a friend’, and married the guy, you said was ‘just a friend’.” He said derisively and his oh-so-kissable lips were curled contemptuously.

His magnificent blue eyes were hard. “Wow! That just makes perfect sense to me. Perfect sense!”

What could I say to that? Yes, I loved Louis and I left him. And yes, Ryan and I were just friends and I married him. How was I going to explain to him that I have a good reason for what I did?

“Explain to me how that make sense.” Louis said bitterly. I wanted to say something, anything.... but nothing came out of my mouth. I felt every bit like a fish out of water gasping for breath. Why couldn’t I do this? I thought the main reason for this was that I feared Louis’ reaction. He would be so angry at me. In the end, I just shook my head.

Louis gritted his teeth in frustration. “Tell me, did you love him?” He demanded sharply.

“Yes. No. I mean yes and no. It wasn’t like that.” I was so shook up that I could not think straight.

“Which is it, babe? Yes or no?” He spat the words out impatiently.

I took a deep breath to calm myself and tried to organise my thoughts. I looked Louis straight in the eyes.

“I love him... but as a friend.” I answered him truthfully. “I love him as a friend.”

“Well, let me see here. I know you love Zayn as a friend, but you did not marry him, did you?” He retorted.

I was dumbfounded. I shook my head slowly in answer to his question.

“I wasn’t enough for you, was I, Holly?” The hurt in his eyes made me feel really guilty. I was going to have to make myself tell him the real reason.

“It wasn’t that, Louis.” I swallowed hard as I tried to find courage to tell him.

“No? Then, was it money? Things he can give you?”

“God! No. I was never materialistic, you know that.”

“Babe, I don’t know that.” He was almost shouting now. “Now, I realised that I don’t even know you at all.”

Luckily, the bookstore was already closed and the employees were at the back room.

“Then, why? Why did you marry him? You said you loved me! But it was a lie, wasn’t it? Everything was a big, fat lie.”

“It wasn’t a lie. I do love you.” I declared. Once the words left my mouth, I stiffened a little. I hoped Louis would not notice my usage of the present tense. Fortunately, he did not.

“If you loved me like you say you did, then why, Holly? Just explain it to me because I don’t understand. Not one bit. Not even a little.”

“I had to.”

“Why did you have to?”

“Because I had to.”

“That’s not a good reason, babe.” He said sarcastically. “Just give me a reason!”

I debated internally whether to lie or tell him the truth. Truth won. As I inhaled slowly, I was hoping my new-found courage would last until I had explained everything to him.  

“I left because.... I was pregnant.” I whispered softly.