Second Chance - Chapter 21

HOME SWEET HOME

HOLLY...

“Did you have a good time today?” My mum asked me, when I came out of my old room, as she was preparing dinner. 

I had been staying with my mum since I arrived at her doorstep almost a fortnight ago. I called her from the airport as soon as I landed at Heathrow to tell her I was coming for a visit. Coming back to Bradford and my old house especially, was nostalgic. It brought back so many unpleasant memories, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

I remembered sneaking out of the house through my bedroom window, after witnessing my parents’ fights, and running to Zayn’s old house which was just a few minutes walk down the street.

I looked around and noticed a lot of things had changed; one of them being, the Maliks no longer lived on our street. Zayn had bought his family a bigger and better home, so his family could live more comfortably.

“Yeah, I did.” I gave her a slight smile. We were still trying to mend our relationship. It would not be easy but I was willing to try. 

“I’m glad. Did you meet any of your old friends?” My mum said while grating carrots for the carrot and spicy lamb meatballs. I marvelled how little my mum knew of my life during my teen years. I did not have many friends and the only one I was really close to was Zayn.

I shook my head. “Actually, I went to visit Zayn and his family.”

“Oh, how is he?”

“He’s okay.” Mum had no idea who Zayn was. Mum has never met him and he had never came to my house.

We fell silent. Keeping conversation going was not our greatest forte. We never really talk as I preferred to spend times away from home. Away from home always meant the Maliks’ home. I guess, you could say that I knew Zayn’s mum better than I knew my own. 

I used to resent my mum when I was younger. Now, I kind of pity her. She has no one except me. I knew that if I were to mend our relationship, we needed to seriously talk. The problem was I did not know what to say to her and she was also at loss on what to say to me.

I let my gaze stray to the wall, which was filled with framed photos of our little family. There were many pictures of me when I was younger. I was maybe about two or three years old. There was none when I got older. That was when the trouble at home began. We began to spend less time together as a family. Mum and Dad began fighting over anything and everything. Nothing seemed right to Dad. He criticised everything from mum’s cooking to the way she dressed, and from my attitude to the friends I kept. When I was in my teen, Dad began to spend less time at home, he was mostly away. When he came home, he and my mum quarrel all the time. 

Mum on her part blamed everyone, especially Dad and me for being the reason why she could not pursue her study like her friends did. She was set on going to Uni when she found out she was pregnant. Mum decided to put her study on hold and Dad, his career.  After they had me, things got harder. Dad had to forget his aspiration of becoming a musician for a while and Mum had to put her dreams of going to Uni indefinitely. Resentment grew and things got ugly.

I blink away tears that threatened to fall. I turned to face my Mum. “Did you love Dad?”

She was visibly startled when I posed the question. She looked sharply at me. “Why do you ask?”

I looked at my hands, avoiding her eyes and I shrugged. “I just want to know. Did you marry him because you love him or because he got you pregnant?”

Mum sighed and wiped invisible sweat with the back of her hands. I was not sure if she was really sweating or just stalling. When she did not answer, I continued softly, “I married Ryan because I was scared. I was scared of being alone. I was fond of Ryan but I was not in love with him.”

Some time passed before Mum answered my question. “I loved your father. But we were so young when we got married and became parents. We love you...”

“You sure don’t act like it.” I cut in angrily.

Mum was quiet for a while. Then, she put down the carrot and the grater she was holding and placed her hand on my cheek. “I am so sorry, sweetie. When temper runs high, we say many things we don’t mean. But no matter what happen, I have always loved you. You are my only child. Forgive me for not noticing how hurt you were. My only excuse is that I was hurting too. I know that was no excuse but I was not thinking straight at that time. I was hurt and all I want to do was to lash out so everyone could feel my pain too. It was selfish, I know.”

“We love you, Holly. Your Dad and me. We were so excited when you came. But I guess we begrudge the things we did not get to do and did not have. We had big dreams.”

Her eyes were full of sorrow and were gleaming with unshed tears. “It was only when you were gone that I realised what I had done and how self-centred I was. I began to regret everything that I did not do. I should be there supporting you through your pregnancy. I should have told you that I love you more often, so that you would never doubt it. I should have realised that you were the best thing that happened to me.” She said tearfully.

 “Mum...” I stepped towards my mum and hugged her.

“I am so sorry. So sorry” She kept repeating the phrase over and over again, as if hoping that the words could erase the unpleasant memories from our minds.

“Hush, mum. It’s okay. Forget about it.” I let her go and forced her to look at me. “Why don’t we start anew? Okay?”

Mum gave me a wobbly smile. “That sounds like a good idea.” She said gratefully.

“Why don’t we start by making dinner?” I suggested. Mum smiled and I could see the glimpse of the happy, beautiful woman I saw in the picture on the wall. We worked side by side for a while in companionable silence.

“You were a lot stronger than I was, Holly.” Mum broke the silence.

I smiled and shook my head. “I don’t think I was, Mum. I was just lucky that I had good people around me. Zayn was always there and then there’s Ryan.”

“I’m glad.” Mum was pleased I had friends whom I could depend on.

“Me too.”

“Was Ryan the one?”

“The one? What do you mean?” I was a bit confused with the question.

“William’s father.” Mum clarified and fixed her gaze on me. I had never told her what really happened. She knew I was pregnant but that was it. I never told her who the father of my child was or why he was not in the picture. 

“Ryan?” I shook my head slightly. We finished grating the carrot and mum put half of them into the sauce she was making for the dish. The other half would be mixed with other ingredients to make the meatballs. “No. No, he wasn’t the father. It was somebody else. I met him when I went to London to see Zayn.”

I smiled remembering the early days when I met Louis. “He was funny, sassy and loud. I fell for him the first time I met him. I thought he was the best-looking boy I have ever met. He has beautiful, mesmerising blue eyes. William had his eyes.”

“Why didn’t you marry him?”

“Mum, these days a girl does not have to get married just because she got pregnant.” I stated. I took the remainder of the grated carrot and place it in a bowl with other ingredients.  

“But you married Ryan.” Mum pointed out.

“I married him after I had William. I was depressed. I was lonely and scared.” I explained while cracking the egg and separating the yolk. 

“Did William’s father leave you when you told him you were expecting his child?”

I sighed. “No, he didn’t leave me. I was the one who left him and he didn’t even know I was carrying his baby.” I confessed as I mixed all the ingredients together. 

“What?” Mum was clearly shocked. “Why?”

“Why? Well, because he had.... ambition. Big ambition. I guess, I did not want be in his way.” I replied honestly, as I divided the mixture into 12 pieces then roll each into a small ball. 

“Oh God, Holly.” Mum said regretfully. “Your father and I ruined everything for you, didn’t we?”

“Don’t say that, Mum.”

“What can I say, sweetheart? I am so sorry. What happened between your father and me coloured your perception of everything. It shouldn’t be that way, Holly. You should not base everything on what went on between me and your father.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mum. I am fine now.” I tried to rid her of the guilty feeling that she felt. “All that was in the past.”

“Did William’s father achieve his dreams?” 

“Yes, he did. I am happy for him.” At least Louis had his career.

“Are you going to tell him about William?”

“I already tried, Mum. But he would not listen.”

“Okay. So what are your plans?”

“I’m in the middle of writing another book and I am thinking of going to London but I’m not sure when.”

Mum patted my hands, comforting me. “Take all the time you want, sweetheart. And stay for as long as you like.”

The smile I gave my mum was genuine. “Thanks, Mum. I really appreciate it.”

That was the first time Mum and I had a long heart to heart talk. After dinner, we talked about Dad, about the good and the bad times we had.

I was glad my mum and I had this conversation. It seemed to clear the air and I guess we could move forward from now on. 

Second Chance - Chapter 20

JUST FRIENDS

HOLLY...

I opened my eyes to a darkened room and I had no idea what time it was. I was alone and my head was killing me. I saw my phone on the side table and reached for it. I glanced at it to look at the time. It was 8.15am.

My head was hurting. I must have drunk myself silly last night. Slowly, I crawl out of bed, trying not to add to the massive headache I was having. Only then did I realise that I was only clad in my under garment. Where did my clothes go?

I looked around gingerly, trying not to make sudden movement. The bottled water on the bedside table caught my eyes. I grabbed it and twisted the cap open. Greedily, I drank the whole bottle. I casted the bottle aside after putting the cap back on. 

I saw my clothes draped on the back of a chair together with the clothes Louis wore yesterday. I really did not remember taking them off last night. While deliberately taking measured steps towards the toilet, I remembered that I did not bring any change of clothes. 

I decided to borrow Louis’ clothes. I was sure he would not mind. I searched for them in his bag and took out a white round neck t-shirt and a charcoal grey sweat pants. I grimaced as I could not bring myself to put on my worn underwear again so I decided to go without them.

I brought all the chosen items into the toilet. The hot shower spray on my head was soothing and it was making my headache a bit better. I was reaching for the soap when I saw the wedding ring on my finger. Wedding ring without the marriage because my marriage to Ryan was annulled. The notification came a few days before he passed away. Our marriage was voidable, the reason being that it was not consummated. So, our marriage was technically never existed and was never valid. There was no marriage!

Ryan had wanted to distance me from what would happen after his death. 

I understood his motive but I still felt the grief of losing a good friend. I felt lost and hopeless. I cried until the storm inside me subsided. 

I stepped out of the shower and glanced at the mirror and looked at my own reflection. The image in the mirror was of a pale woman with bloodshot eyes. She looked scared, lost, lonely and unsure what will happen next. I did not like what I saw very much. I put on my borrowed clothes while thinking about what I was going to do next. 

When I was done, I opened the door to the room and discovered that Louis still had not come back. The silence in the room was suffocating me, so I decided to go for a walk. Then, I realised that the t-shirt I had on was a bit thin. As I had no underwear on, I could see my nipples pushing against the fabric. 

I took Louis’ black hoodie from his bag and put it on. I headed towards the door and grabbed the door knob. I twisted it and pulled the door opened, and was about to stepped out of the room when Louis’ voice stopped me in my track.

“Vicky, please. There is nothing between me and Holly. She is just a friend, okay? We’re just friends. Would you please calm down? You are making a scene.” Louis said stiffly. 

Slowly and silently, I closed the door until it was open just a crack. I could not help but eavesdropped on their conversation.

 “Calm down? Why should I calm down? Why are you the one that has to be with her? Why isn’t she with Zayn? She’s his best friend. He’s the one who should be with her! Not you!” Vicky was agitated and her voice shrill.

 “She had just lost her husband, Vicky, for heaven’s sake!” Louis sounded exasperated.

“But the others weren’t with her last night!” 

“Nothing happened. And there will never be! We’re just friends.”

It should not have hurt but it did. Carefully, I closed the door without making any sound and rested my forehead against it. Just friends. Yeah, that’s what we were. Was I hoping for more? Maybe. Did I deserve another chance after what I had done? Probably not.

Just friends...Of course we were just friends. What else could we be? I knew it. I knew where I stand. I had always known we could never be anything else. I understand that, yet I still ache for him. 

What did I expect? That Louis would welcome me back with open arms? I sniffed and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall again. I walked towards the window and stare unseeingly at the city down below.

I wanted him so much and I knew it in my heart and soul, if I stay around him much longer, he would see that I was still deeply and madly in love with him. Even at this moment, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I had never stopped loving him. Once he stole my heart, I had never had it back. He was the only one for me. I needed to go away. I could not stay knowing he could never be mine again. He has Vicky.

So, I should put away my hopes and dreams to be with Louis again because that would not happen. Ever. We were just friend. Nothing more than a friend. I needed to remember that.

God! Was crying the only thing I was good at? Every time something happened all I would do was cry. I would fall apart and somebody else would make everything better. I had Zayn, Ryan and for a while there, I had Louis do that for me. I had always depend on other people to make the decision for me. When I got problems at home, Zayn was there for me. When I got pregnant and when my son died, I let Ryan took care of everything.

Now Ryan was gone. Zayn had his own life to lead and Louis..... Louis had Vicky. I felt like the third wheel in everybody’s life.

I was tired of crying but I could not seem to stop. Why couldn’t I be strong? I knew that I needed to move on and I should stop depending on others. I need to depend on myself. I need to take charge of my life! Starting this moment.

I would go back to England. My mom was still there. Maybe I could go and visit her and at the same time nurse my broken heart. Even though we did not have the best mother-daughter relationship, she was the only family I had left. The last time I saw her was at my father’s funeral, which was more than a year ago.

With the intention of taking a walk was long gone from my mind, I picked up the phone from the bedside table and called Allie. She picked up on the fourth ring. I asked her to book me the next available flight to London and to send clothes for me to change into as my clothes from yesterday were hopelessly rumpled. Less than half an hour later, Allie texted me my fight details and promised to send my things to the hotel. After that, I texted Zayn to tell him of my decision.

 Sunshine, I’m going home to see my mum today.

I pressed ‘send’ and closed my eyes, as I realised that I was truly going home. I stood and walked to the window to look at the city which I made my home for the past three years. This could probably be the last time for me to be here. I love New York but there was nothing to keep me here. Both Ryan and William were gone.

I seriously needed to move on. I needed to accept that Ryan was gone, and that there would never be anything between me and Louis. We were just friends. I needed to forget about him.

I was surprised when I realised that my cheeks were wet due to the tears streaming down my face. I hate to cry but I could not help myself. The waterworks seemed to be easily turned on by anything at all. I heard the door opened and closed softly.

“Holly? You’re awake.”  The voice of the man, whom I lost my heart to, was directly behind me. His voice tugged at my heartstring but I need to forget him. “Are you okay?”

Without turning away from the window, I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I inhaled deeply and answered him. “I’m fine.”

“You’ll make yourself sick, if you cry too much. Remember, Ryan would want you to move on.”

He thought that I was crying over Ryan. I was relieved that I did not have to respond to that when my phone rang. I quickly picked it up and saw that Zayn’s name was displayed on the screen.

“Hi.” I said softly into the phone.

“Are you still at the hotel?” He said without preamble.

“Uh, yeah.”

“I’ll be there in 10, okay.” 

“Okay.”

“When are you leaving?”

“My flight is at 3.”

“Okay. I’ll see you shortly.” He quickly hung up without even saying goodbye. 

“Are you going somewhere?” My eyes flew to his face. I had forgotten Louis was in the room.

“Uh, yeah. I’m going back to England to see my mum.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “Alright.”

When I glanced at his face, it was expressionless. His unreadable eyes were staring at me intently, which made me uncomfortable.

I managed a slight smile and said to him, “Do I have something on my face?”

He kept staring for a few second before muttering something inaudible under his breath.

“Sorry. What did you say?”

“Uh, I said your face is just fine.” He ran his fingers through his hair and I had the weirdest feeling that he was avoiding looking at me.

I dismissed the thought as being my wild imagination. Then, I looked down at the phone in my hand. That was when I noticed the borrowed hoodie had parted in the middle, exposing the thin, white t-shirt underneath and my erect nipples were clearly visible through the clothing!

Self-consciously, I tugged at the hoodie to cover my chest. I could feel my face flushed.

“I hope you don’t mind I borrowed your clothes. I didn’t bring any yesterday.”

“No. I don’t mind.”

The conversation then fell flat. There was an awkward silence before Louis said, “Would you like something to eat? You have not eaten since yesterday.”

The mention of food caused my stomach to lurch alarmingly. “Just some tea, please. I could not possibly eat anything right now.”

Louis picked up the phone and ordered tea and toast. I sat down on one of the chairs and peer through my lashes at Louis. I wonder where Vicky was. Louis probably managed to persuade her to calm down.

Zayn arrived after our tea and toast were delivered. They kindly offered to send me to the airport but I refused, as Noah would be picking me up. When we said our goodbyes, Zayn made me promised to call and tell him when I arrive at my mom’s house. I hugged him and gave his bearded cheek a sisterly kiss. Then, I turned to Louis and hesitated, but he moved forward and hugged me. In his arms, I inhaled his scent and pressed my lips to his shoulder. I loved him so much.

Move on, Holly. Move on. I urged myself.

I would. I told myself with quiet conviction. Surprisingly, peace and calm settled over me.

Second Chance - Chapter 19

PASSION


LOUIS...

I never knew that I was a stickler for punishment. 

Listening to her going on and on, recounting the good times she had with Ryan, was like slowly letting lemon juice drip on your wound, but I let her talk. She needed this. She needed to remember the good times they had, and she needed to move on.

Lying next to her was bittersweet. She felt so good in my arms but I knew that could never have her. The way she talked about the guy convinced me that she really loved him. To her, he was her hero; saving her from the big, bad wolf and sheltering her from the cruel world. He encouraged her to be herself and helped her to fulfil her potential. The man was practically superman. He was selfless, kind, caring, wonderful and all around good guy. How do you compete with that? 

I hated him!

A knock on the door interrupted her monologue of Ryan. Before getting out of the bed, I touched her cheek to brush the tears away. I rushed to the door. Grabbing the knob and turning it, I opened the door to a man in white suit, holding a tray of the sandwich and juice I ordered. I thanked him and took the tray.

When I returned, she was sitting on the chair drinking from a miniature bottle, which I guess came from the mini bar in the room. She had five other bottles on the coffee table in front of her.

“At least eat something first.”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

She took another swing that completely emptied the bottle. She put it on the coffee table and started on another one. When she finished with that one, she opened another. In less than fifteen minutes, she had completely finished all six bottles.

Realising she had ran out of her drinks, she stood up unsteadily to get some more from the mini refrigerator.  

“Holly, I think you had enough. You’re drunk.” I tried to stop her from getting more of the alcoholic drinks.

“I’m fine.” She ignored my advice. 

She had to go around the bed and walked past me to reach the refrigerator. She swayed a little and bumped her leg against the bed, which caused her to fall. Fortunately, I was there to catch her.

“You’re drunk.” I stated the obvious. I helped her to stand upright. She stood unsteadily on her feet, so I kept my arms around her.

Tilting up her head, she smiled and looked into my eyes. The action, unfortunately, brought her luscious lips closer. I just have to dip my head lower and I would capture her lips with mine. I swallowed hard as I stared at the sweet, tempting mouth of hers.

She licked her lips and leaned forward to close the distance between us. When her lips touched mine, I lost my self-restraint completely. I responded. Very passionately. I was no longer able to think logically and rationally of what I was doing. It was just feeling and no thinking, as passion and desire flooded my veins.

I pulled her closer as I could not get enough of her. I slipped my tongue to taste the inside of her lips. When our tongues met, it was heavenly sweet. I groaned. Her eager response fuel the fire in my blood further. 

She began to pull my shirt from my pants and slipped her hands under my shirt, caressing my bare skin. I responded in kind. I unbuttoned her blouse, before pushing it off her shoulder, exposing the soft skin underneath. It was silk and fire.

With the blouse discarded on the floor, I kissed and licked her shoulder while my right hands cupped her breast. She shivered in pleasure. My name escaped her lips in a delicious sigh, which I found so very exciting. I pulled slightly away to find the zipper of her skirt. It was unzipped in a matter of second, and it dropped and pooled around her feet. She stood in her lacy, black underwear which leaves very little to imagination.

I took a sharp intake of breath. She was exquisite.

She reached towards me to unbutton my shirt. I stood there motionless, holding my breath watching her fingers work on the button, one after another. I could not take my eyes of her. Only when she reached the last of the buttons, could I let out the breath I did not even know I had been holding. She pushed the shirt aside and began nibbling at the base of my throat. My body tensed and my heart was pounding heavily on my chest. I was in dire need of air. My breath seemed to be stuck in my throat. 

We somehow stumbled onto the bed, with her on top of me. I groaned as her weight on me excited me even more.

She pushed herself up, straddled my waist, pinned my wrists over my head, and began kissing me. She let go of my wrists and began caressing, and kissing, and licking and nibbling on my chest. She was going lower and lower and lower...

I do not know how much more of her stimulating, feathery soft caress I could take. I decided I had enough, so I twisted my body so that I was the one on top. However, that only put me in an interesting position between her thighs. Breath caught in my throat when she grinded her hips against me and wrapped her legs around my waist.

I gritted my teeth, trying to summon my self-control which had been absent these few minutes. I wanted her so much but my conscience would not let me take advantage of her while she was so vulnerable.

She was drunk and she had just lost her husband. For goodness’ sake! What was I thinking? Well, clearly I was not thinking. I need to get a grip on myself. 

But she was so beautiful lying there with her legs wrapped around my waist.....Stop it!

I needed to get out off the bed. Fast! Distance between her and I would be an excellent idea. The farther the distance, the better it was. My body was still throbbing....

“Holly. Love...” I swallowed hard. “We need to stop.”

“Why? You don’t want me?” Her voice was uneven and she looked like a lost little kitten, albeit a highly desirable one.

“I do, but we need to stop. You are not sober and also emotionally unstable. I don’t want to take advantage of you. You might regret this when you wake up tomorrow.” I touched her cheek kissed her lips tenderly. I forced myself to pull away. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.

I rose from on top of her but her legs were still tangled seductively around my waist. Putting my hands on her smooth bare legs, I unwrapped those lovely legs from my body. I let my hands lingered there for a while until I realised that I was staring at her almost naked body.

I got off the bed as fast as I could. I pulled the duvet around her shoulder to cover her near nakedness. It was more for my sake than hers.

“Go to sleep, love.”

“Are you going to stay?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be here.”

She turned on her side facing away from me. I sat on the other bed, watching her falling asleep.

“Good night, Louis.” She mumbled sleepily.

“Good night, Holly.” I whispered slowly.

I stood up when I saw her breathing was even, indicating that she was already asleep. My breathing and my heart beat was back to normal but the bulge in my pants was still there. Holly seemed to have no problem switching off after our intense and passionate session together.

After all these years, for me the passion was still there; stronger than ever. It had always been this way between us, before she walked out on us.

I heaved a great sigh and walked slowly to the toilet. When I was standing under the shower, I turned the cold water on.

Second Chance - Chapter 18

Tell Me About Him


HOLLY...

“Do you think Ryan would want you to do this to yourself? What do you think he would say if he knew?”

It was like a slap on the face to bring me out of a trance. What would Ryan say? He had asked me not to mourn him. He had asked me to be happy because it would make him happy.

It brought back the memories of the time I spent with Ryan the night before he passed away. He was weak but... somehow happier. He insisted on staying up that night 

That last night before he passed away, Ryan insisted on staying up as if he knew that would be the last moment that we would spend together. He wanted to talk, to spend every second he had left with me. So, we talked the whole night.

He told me that he loved me. The declaration of love somehow made me feel guilty. Really, really guilty because I did not love him the way he loved me, as he should be loved. He had done so much for me that I felt like I was taking advantage of him, of his kindness and of him loving me. I was taking, taking and taking and barely giving anything in return.

Ryan saw me hesitating and said, “You don’t have to say anything, sweetheart. I know who your heart belongs to right from the start.”

“I’m sorry. If only I could tell my heart to love you, I would. It would be so much easier. And thank you for loving me. I am truly honoured.”

“Being with you and being there by your side when you need somebody are enough for me. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I felt like I am using you. All I ever do ever since I met you is taking everything that you gave me.” I told him sincerely. “You have done so much for me and my son.”

He laughed weakly but there was joy in it. “This is why I love you. You don’t even realise what you have done, do you?”

“I have done nothing except be a burden to you.”

“You were never a burden, sweetheart. You are a joy to me. I want you to be happy. And don't mourn me, please.”

“Ryan...”

“No, Holly. I have never been happier because I have you. You have brought so much to my life than I ever thought was possible. You have to let me go because the pain gets so unbearable these days. Be happy for me.”

Tears welled up in my eyes but I understood him. I nodded slowly.

“You rest now. Don’t you worry, I will take a good care of myself.”

“That's my girl. Know that I am proud of you. The only thing I want is your promise that you will find happiness." He smiled joyously and looked deep into my eyes and I nodded again. "Remember, when I’m gone, I'll be watching you from above.”

His smile was still on his lips when his eyelids began to close. I sat on the chair on his bedside and rested my head on the bed. I stayed by his side for the rest of the night. 

I must have dozed off because when I opened my eyes, Ryan was awake and looking at me.

“I love you, Holly.” His voice was almost a whisper.

I stood up and sat beside him on the bed. I slipped my arms around him. I did not know how I knew it, but right there and then, I knew that he was going to leave me forever. 

I kissed his forehead and told him, “Don’t worry about me, love. Just go. I will be all right. I promise. Go now and rest peacefully. Give my love to my dad and William when you see them.”

He smiled weakly before slowly closing his eyes.  All I could do was to hold him in my arms while watching him slowly slipped away. It felt surreal. I could not comprehend that he was really gone. Never again would I see his lovely smile, how his eyes lighted up when he was excited and how he would cocked his head to one side when he was thinking. Never again would I hear his merry laughter. It was like a dream and I was convinced that when I woke up, I would find him on the bed still sleeping. 

The waking up part did not happen, however. I hold Ryan lifeless body in my arms until I could bring myself to let him go. I woke Martha up and told her about Ryan’s passing before contacting the doctor.

Then it hit me that I would never see him again. The grief I felt in my heart and the feeling of hopelessness was like a thick black cloud hanging over me. I felt empty. I felt numb.

It was like I was in a bubble. I was no longer a part of the world. Everything sounded muffled. I could hear conversations, but it was like the words had no meaning. Everything that happened around me was in a blur. 

Then, this man who was holding me tightly in his arms reminded me of Ryan’s wish. I could not hold back the tears that suddenly pour down my cheeks. I lost track of time of me standing there crying until there were no more tears left.

I sniffled and just stood there enjoying being in Louis’ arms. I felt safe and protected, even loved. I knew I could not stay there forever. I raise my head from his hard but comfortable chest, and saw that my tears had soaked his shirt.

“Do you need anything, love?” His concern was clear in his voice.

“Something strong to drink.”

“You need to eat first. You have not eaten anything today.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You still need to eat.” He insisted. He let me go before picking up the phone to order grilled chicken salad and fruit juice for me.

I wanted to protest but suddenly I felt really tired. I walked towards the bed and sat down. Louis put the phone down and turned to look at me.

“Why don’t you take off your shoes and that jacket, and lie down for a bit? You looked worn out.” He suggested.

Such simple suggestion, yet I had a hard time comprehending what he was saying. I must be really exhausted. I took of the black Mary Jane pumps I was wearing and peeled off the black woollen jacket, put it on the bed and lie down on my side. I pulled myself into foetal position and closed my eyes.

Immediately, I saw Ryan’s face flashed before my eyes. The tears I thought were dried started falling again. I kept my eyes closed so that the man behind my back would not realise that I was crying.

The bed dipped and an arm sneaked across my waist to pull me closer to a warm body behind me. Louis kissed my hair softly. I shivered when I felt his warm breath on my neck. I cried again for the second time. I could not help but feel like a cry baby. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered softly. My voice was wobbly.

“It’s perfectly fine. Just cry, if you feel like it.” His warm breath teased my cheek.

“Thank you.” I turned and laid on my back to look at him. “For being with me. After all that I had done, you are still nice to me. Thank you.”

His gaze locked with mine. “Whatever had gone between us, we used to be good friends once. I’m sorry if I tend to be a bit temperamental.”

THe touched my cheek to wipe the tears that still lingered there. The tender smile he gave me curled my toes and would probably melt half of the female population of New York. Such beautiful, beautiful smile. I smiled back at him.

“Tell me about him. What was he like?” Louis said suddenly.

“He was a lot like you.”

Second Chance - Chapter 17

LOVE HATE

LOUIS...

The sad news of Ryan’s death came two weeks after our visit to his house in New York. Martha called and informed us of the news.

The other three lads were taking the opportunity of the tour break to spend some time with their family as I was. Harry was in LA. Probably trying to get over his broken heart after breaking off with Sarah. Poor Harry. He tried so hard to make it work with Sarah.

Those who did not know Harry thought that he was a womaniser. That is far from the truth. Just because he went out with many different women did not mean he slept with them. Most of the women he went out with were his friends.

Harry had really cared for Sarah. For a while, he really thought she was the one but Sarah apparently could not cope with our hectic schedule. She left Harry for somebody who could always be there for her. She had begun dating the guy even before she broke off with Harry. He understood her reason but that did not make the break up any easier.

Zayn called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Ryan’s funeral. Much as I hated the guy for taking Holly away from me, I respected him. I hated to admit that but he had taken a good care of Holly, he had given everything to her. When she needed someone, he was there.

I decided to go to the funeral. Liam, Niall and Jenna also would be going with Zayn and me. We took the next available flight to New York. Harry would be arriving from LA just before the funeral service.

We arrived at the apartment to find Holly busy organising Ryan’s funeral service. She looked exhausted. She had dark rings under her eyes. When she saw us, she managed to give us a slight smile and came to welcome us.

She hugged Liam, Niall and Jenna. “Thank you so much for coming, guys.”

Zayn took her into his arms and hugged her tightly. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Holly. He was a good man.” He whispered in Holly’s ear before letting her go.

Holly nodded slowly and looked at me, hesitating on what to do. I took a step forward and held her in my arms. She pressed her face into my chest and held on to me tightly. She felt so good there. I gave her a reassuring squeeze. “How are you holding up, love?”

She nodded. “I’m... I’m okay.” She answered but she looked far from being okay.

I let her go but kept my hand at the small of her back. “Harry will be coming later.”

She nodded and thanked us again for coming. She moved away to met other guests when Martha came thank us for coming. After making small talk, she made a gesture for me to step aside so that we could have a private conversation.

“I want to thank you again for coming.” She took my hand and held it in both her smaller ones. She looked tired.

I nodded. “I’m really sorry for your loss.” I know it must be hard for her to lose her son. Losing someone you care about is never easy.

“Thank you, my dear. I’m sad but in a way I am also relieved and happy knowing that Ryan is no longer suffering. That was the hardest part, watching him suffer.” She admitted.

She smiled slightly and squeezed my hand. “After all this is over, take her with you.” She pleaded.

I did not say anything because I did not know what to say. Her son just died and she wanted me to take his wife with me?

“I’m sorry. Don’t be afraid that I might get offended because I won’t. Ryan asked me to do this. He was afraid that his death might cause Holly to fell apart like she did when ....” She could not continue her sentence and wiped the tears that fell down her cheeks. “He loved her and he did not want her to mourn him.”

“I love her and I want her to be happy. She had been through quite a lot these past years: Losing her father and her son and now Ryan. She hasn’t eaten properly these couple of days, and I don’t think she even slept a wink. She must be really tired.” She looked at Holly who was talking to one of Ryan’s friends.

“The anniversary of William’s death is in a few days. This will bring back those sad memories for her. You and your friends are such a big part of her life. Please take care of her.” She looked at me with such a hope that I did not have a heart to turn 
her down.

I understood her concern. When I last met her, she told me about the accident Holly was in that had cost Holly her beautiful son. The two of them were on their way to the airport, to go back to New York after attending her father’s funeral, when a drunk driver crashed into their car. Holly was severely injured and her son died on the spot due to severe head trauma. I felt really sorry for her.

When Martha told me about the incident, I was really sad. I had met William when they came to three of our shows. He was a delightful boy and I fell in love with him instantly. The two of us got along very well. He called me ‘dada’, his words for ‘daddy’, I guess. The lads teased me about it but I didn’t mind. I imagine if I have a son, he would be just like William.

Over a few months, I received pictures and videos of the boy from Martha until it stopped abruptly. I was too busy touring and recording the new album to give it much thought. Now, I know the reason for it.

For some reason, I kept thinking of the boy after the visit to Ryan’s house. I still have the videos sent to me and I played them all back repeatedly. This was Holly’s son and I kept thinking that, he could have been mine, if only Holly did not left. I quickly shook the memories away and concentrated on the grieving lady in front of me.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Phillips. We will take care of her.” I promised her.

“Thank you, Louis. Thank you.” She squeezed my hands, gave me a hug and kissed my cheek.

Throughout the service in the morning until we went to the cemetery and came back to the house late in the afternoon, I observed Holly carefully. Her face was emotionless, her movement was stiff, her eyes looked dead, and she kept sipping champagne on empty stomach. I have not seen her eating a bite since morning.

She was standing alone, staring out of the big window, still drinking from the champagne flute in her hand. She looked to be in deep thought. Suddenly, someone put her hand on my shoulder. I turned to look on my left and found Martha standing slightly behind me.

“Take her away. I can handle everything from here. Please, don’t let her withdraw into herself.” She said softly without looking at me. Her gaze was fixed on Holly.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” I said hesitantly.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. Go and get her.” She patted my shoulder to encourage me. I smiled and gave her a hug.
I walked towards Holly not sure what to say to her. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she was not even aware of my approach. I stopped almost in front of her but she was still gazing out of the window, lost in thought.

“Holly.” I took hold of her upper arm. Her eyes snapped to my face, surprised I was standing so close to her. I pulled her closer and engulfed her in my embrace. She just stood there motionless.

“C’mon, love. Let’s get you out of here.” I whispered in her ears.

“No. No, no. Martha needs me here.” Suddenly, her eyes looked wild. She was getting distraught.

“No, she doesn’t. She is doing fine. You are not. You have not eaten and from the look of the dark ring under your eyes, you have not had enough sleep. You are drinking on an empty stomach. That is going to go to your head pretty fast. So, either we walk out of here like two civilised people or I could put you over my shoulder. You choose.” I threatened.

Anger flashed in her eyes. Good! At least, some emotions. I would rather have angry Holly than zombie Holly. I let go of her and took the champagne flute from her hand. I set the glassware on the coffee table nearby.

I wrapped my fingers around her upper arm and guided her forcefully towards the door. “Please don’t make a scene. Come with me quietly. Martha is already very concern of you. She asked me to take you away from here. Please don’t make it harder for her.”

“She did? She really asked you to take me away?” Her voice was brittle and she looked pained. Suddenly the fight went out of her.

“She was worried about you. And she was right. Come on, love. Let us say our goodbye.”

We went over to Martha, the boys and Jenna. I let her say her goodbye and Zayn came over to me with a frown on his face.

“Are you sure you want to do this? I can take her with me.”

“You are going to see Haley afterwards. You haven’t seen her in three months.” I said. Haley was Zayn’s girlfriend and they have not seen each other in three months due to our hectic tour schedule and her busy work.

“Go and see her. Don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure?” He was still sceptical.

“I’m sure.” I said assuring him.

Zayn grab hold of my upper arm and said softly near my ear. “Please don’t hurt her.”

“I won’t.” I promised. I knew he was referring to the incident in the bookstore. I looked around and saw Harry hugging and kissing Holly on her cheek.

Holly had finished saying her goodbyes. Zayn took her in his arms and held her tightly. He whispered in her ear. “I’m going to see you tomorrow, okay, princess? I just have something to do today.”

Without uttering anything, Holly nodded her head. I put my arms around her and told the boys, “We’re going back to the hotel. We’ll see you guys later.”

On our way out, Martha caught my eyes and mouthed her thank you. I nodded to indicate I understood. I ushered Holly out of the door and into the waiting car downstairs. She was quiet and her face was emotionless, while staring outside the car window on the whole journey to the hotel. She looked lonely and sad, so I took her hand in mine and squeezed it to remind her that I was there and she could count on me for a shoulder to cry on.

When we arrived at the hotel, I lead her to the room where Zayn and I shared. I sat on the bed and pick up the phone to order room service. I ordered us a tuna sandwich, chicken pie Caesar salad and some orange juice for our late lunch.

Holly stood silently by the window hugging herself, staring at the landscape below. Face expressionless, her mind appeared to be million miles away. When the doorbell chimed announcing the arrival of our lunch, she did not even react. I stood up quietly from the bed to open the door.

Lunch was brought in by a guy about my age and was put on the table. I thanked the guy and closed the door after him.

“Holly.” I called out to her three times before she realised it. I walked over to her and slipped my arms around her, hugging her from behind. She was stiff. I pulled her closer and let her rest the back of her head on my shoulder. “Come, let’s eat.”

She shook her head without saying anything and started to pull away. I pulled her back towards me and buried my face on the crook of her neck.

“You need to eat something, love. You are going to make yourself ill, if you don’t” I tried coaxing her to eat.

“I’m fine.” Her voice lacked emotion.

“No, you are not. You have not eaten, you have not slept and you have not cried. So, you are definitely not fine.” I took hold of her shoulders and turned her around to face me. I hold her chin to tilt up her face so that she was looking at me. Her eyes were on me but she was looking straight through me. She was here but not here.

I sighed. What do I do with this girl? My emotion tended to jump from one extreme end to another when I was with her. Sometimes, I hated her with every ounce of my being but at other times, all I wanted to do is protect her from harm. Wipe the tears in her eyes. Make her smile.

Right now, I wanted to chase away the bleak look in her usually expressive brown eyes. I wanted to see those beautiful orbs sparkle with life. I wanted those sensuous pouty lips to curve in a smile. I wanted her to be happy.

Sometimes, I did not understand myself. Why can’t I forget her? I wanted to... but something kept pulling me back to her. I did not want to care about her but I could not help myself.

“Holly, love. Do you think Ryan would want you to do this to yourself? What do you think he would say if he knew?” I decided to switch tactics. Play on her conscience.

It worked as something flickered in her eyes. She blinked and two fat tears of grief that welled up at the corners of her eyes, streamed down her face. Suddenly, the dam broke. Violent sobs racked her body as the emotion she tried to hold in poured out of her. I hold her close in my arm as the two of us stood there until all her tears was spent. I let her cry her eyes out while all the time I felt so helpless, knowing that I could do nothing to lessen her pain.