A GIFT FOR YOU
HOLLY...
Noah drove away leaving Zayn watching us disappeared among the hundred thousand cars on the street of New York. Noah took me straight to Martha’s house. The nearer I get to our destination, the more anxious I became.
The last time I saw Ryan was before he started treatment and that was almost six months ago. He handed me some cash, credit cards, a Ford Escape, the keys to an apartment in New Jersey and the instruction to finish writing my book. He told me to get it publish before his condition got even worse.
I did just that. I wrote day and night to get it done. The day I handed the script to Allie, I called Ryan.
“I finished it, Ryan.” I informed him happily.
“Good! I am so glad. There’s a lot more to do, sweetheart. But for the time being I want you to go out and live your life, Holly. Travel. Go places. Go where ever you want to go” Ryan told me.
“I want to be there with you.”
“No. I’m doing my treatment. You don’t need to be here. There’s nothing you can do here.” He refused me point blank.
“But, Ryan...” I started.
“I don’t want you to see me like this, Holly. I look terrible.”
“I don’t care how you look, Ryan.”
“But I do, Holly.” He said seriously. “I want you to remember the good-looking man you married. I do not want your pity. If you want to make me happy, go live your life. Please.”
Please. The word stopped me in my track. I wanted to argue and tell him that I don’t care about his looks but his heartfelt plea made me shut my mouth. Taking a deep breath, I made a decision.
“Okay, Ryan. I’ll do whatever you want.” I conceded.
“Do what you need to do, Holly. Don’t wait until it is too late.”
“What do you mean?”
Ryan sighed. “Go and see your mother, Holly.”
“I will, Ryan. I will.” That was a promise. I wanted to go back home and visit my mum. I missed her.
“One more thing. One Direction will be performing here soon.”
I was quiet for the longest time, as I did not know what to say.
“Holly? Sweetheart? Are you still there?
“Ýeah, I’m still here.”
“You need to go and see them you know. Especially, him. You need to tell him.” He stated.
I knew he was referring to Zayn and Louis. And he was right. I needed to see them and the idea had crossed my mind many times lately. It is just that I was... afraid. Afraid of rejection. Zayn would probably scold me but we would not be too angry and not for long. I knew him.
Louis, on the other hand, would probably give me the death stare like I was a disgusting creature that came out crawling from under a rock. That I would expect from him. I had hurt him.
Noah jolted me out of my reminiscence when he opened the car door for me. I looked around the car park. I did not even realise that we had arrived. I walked with Noah in silence to the lift. He pushed the button and the door opened. When we stepped inside, Noah inserted the key and pressed the button, and waited for the lift to carry us to Martha’s house.
Less than a minute, the door opened to a beautifully decorated apartment and a small, elegant blond-haired woman in lavender greeted me.
“Holly, my dear. It so good to see you.” She hugged me tightly and kissed both of my cheeks. There were unshed tears in her eyes making them looked glassy. “I missed you, dear.”
“I missed you too, Martha.” I was quite emotional. I hugged her again before letting her go. “Ryan?”
“He’s in his room. Go ahead and see him. We’ll talk later. For the time being, I’ll just go and prepare dinner for us.” Martha ushered me to Ryan’s room. I thank her with a smile.
I knocked softly on the door before opening it and said quietly to the darkened room, “Ryan?”
“Holly? Sweetheart? Is that you?” His voice sounded weak and tired. The lamp on his bedside table flickered on.
“Yes, it’s me, Ryan. I’m here.” I braced myself for what I was going to see. I almost gasped aloud when I saw Ryan. He was pale, thin and frail. His beautiful brown hair was thin and I could see some bald spots. His eyes were sunken. I had to force myself not to cry.
“Come and sit by me, sweetheart. I missed you.” He smiled happily at me. I walked towards him and sat at the edge of the bed. He sat up and spread his arm open so he could give me a hug. I went into his arm and buried my face in his shoulder.
“I missed you too. You know that you can call me and I will come anytime. Anytime, Ryan.” I let go of him and reached out to arrange the pillows so he could lean back against them.
He chuckled softly. “Kind Holly. Always thinking of others before thinking of herself.”
He reached out and touched my cheek tenderly. He smiled affectionately. His hand was still cupping my cheek and his thumb caressing it. “We need to break you of this habit of yours, you know. You need to start thinking of yourself.”
“Well, I think that’s a bit too late for that. I am the way I am.” I took his hand from my cheek and kissed the palm. He closed his for a moment as if savouring the feel of my lips on his palm. “You just have to take it or leave it.”
He chuckled again. “I take you just the way you are, sweetheart. Warts and all.”
“I do not have warts.” I laughed merrily.
“Tell me how it went.” He ordered.
“What? My meeting with Zayn and Louis?” I questioned and Ryan nodded. “The meeting with Zayn was okay. He was happy to see me and he forgave me. But Louis was another story.”
“Was he very angry?”
“When he first saw me, he wanted to wring my neck. Then, he calmed down. He didn’t exactly forgive me but we were able to have civil conversation. Then he found out about me married to you and the pregnancy. He totally flew off the handle.”
“Didn’t you explain it to him?”
“I tried but he would not listen. He thought the baby was yours and I married you because I was pregnant.”
“What?!” Shocked, Ryan shook his head slowly. “That stupid fool.”
“It’s okay, Ryan. Don’t worry about it. I will handle it later.” I declared.
“Do you want me to tell him?” He asked curiously.
“No! Don’t you dare. Let me handle this, okay?” I insisted firmly.
“Okay, whatever you say, sweetheart.” He conceded. “Now, play that song you used to sing, would you?”
“Which one?”
“The 1D one.”
“Moments?” I said smiling. It was one of my favourite songs from the boys.
“Yeah, that’s the one.” He confirmed.
I stood up from the bed and walked towards the window to draw the curtains. There was a baby grand at one corner of the room. I smiled fondly at Ryan and started playing the piano. I haven’t done this in a long time. Not since my last therapy session. My fingers flew on the smooth ivory keys and I sang to the tune. We spent the rest of the day singing, talking and watching movies.
I moved in and spent the next few weeks with Ryan. Doing things for him; feeding him, reading to him, and his favourite was me singing and playing the piano to him. We talked, watched silly movie and commented on and laughed at the absurd characters and ridiculous plots. I loved seeing him happy.
One morning, a month after, we enjoyed our breakfast on the terrace, and he smilingly told me, “I have a present for you.”
He handed me a large, official-looking, brown envelope which he kept on his side table. I took it and looked at him confusedly.
“What’s this?” I asked him, my brows furrowed with bewilderment.
He took my hand and held it in his larger ones. His gaze fixed on me. “This is my present for you. I want you to be happy, Holly.”
I was a bit puzzled by his words. “I am happy, Ryan.”
“No, you’re not. On the outside, you are. The one you presented to the world is the happy Holly but I am talking about you on the inside; the grieving Holly, the heartbroken Holly.” Ryan said seriously. He touched my hair and pushed the flyaway strand behind my ear. “I know that inside you are still grieving for your child and I know that you are still in love with the baby daddy.”
I opened my mouth to protest.
“Don’t deny it, sweetheart. I know you are still very much in love with him. You tried to hide it and convinced yourself that you don’t but I can see it in your eyes every time you see him. And he is everywhere, isn’t he? He has been very successful.”
He was referring to the fact that, the band was so successful that the lads had their faces plastered everywhere: television, magazine, the net, billboards, posters..... you name it, their faces were there.
“You are forever trying to make others happy. You made me happy, Holly and Louis is successful beyond your imagination. Now, let me make you happy.” He caressed my cheek with his thumb. “Open the envelope, Holly.”
I followed his instruction to open the brown envelope hesitantly. I pulled out a small stack of papers from inside it halfway. I looked up at him, “What is this, Ryan?”
He did not answer my question. I pulled the papers out completely and read the heading on the front page. PETITION FOR ANNULMENT OF MARRIAGE.
“Ryan!” I exclaimed in shock. “What’s the meaning of this?”
“I’m filing a petition to annul our marriage, sweetheart.” Ryan explained.
“But why?” I was perplexed. Suddenly I found it difficult to breathe.
“Because I should not have married you in the first place.” Ryan patiently explained.
“I don’t understand.” I shook my head, uncomprehending his reasons for doing this.
“Listen to me, Holly. You are still so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go and achieve your dreams. Find happiness and love, sweetheart. There is no one more deserving to have all of that than you. When I’m gone...”
“Ryan, don’t say that!” I exclaimed.
“Holly, you know that I don’t have that much time left.” He wiped away the tears that had started falling down my cheeks. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. Please, I want the last days I spend on earth to be happy, to be full of laughter. I want to go with a big smile on my face. So, no crying. Okay?”
I nodded. Wiping my tears away, I gave him a HUGE forced smile. He took the envelope and its contents from my hands and set them on the table.
“That’s my girl.” He said approvingly. “I want to be able to go happily, knowing that you are happy here. I want to tell the angels that I had done something good for the girl that I love.”
My eyes flew to his face, taken aback. “Ryan...”
“I love you, Holly. I did not expect to fall for you but I did. I don’t know how or when. I must have fallen in love with you a little at a time and one day when I woke up, I realised that I loved you. You have stolen my heart. I have loved you for a long time, Holly.” He took my hands in his.
I stared at him, trying to take his surprising confession in. “I’m so sorry, Ryan. I didn’t know.”
“I never meant for you to know before this. But I have been thinking a lot lately. Especially about doing things too late. That is why I want to be able to say it to you before I go. There are a lot of things that I wish I had done and I regret not doing them when I could. I don’t want this to be one of those regretful moments in my life.”
“Ryan, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I know you don’t love me the way I love you but, believe me, being there for you when you need me and spending time with you is enough to make me happy. Very happy.”
“I’m sorry.” I felt I had to apologise for not loving him as he loved me.
“Why? There’s no need to be sorry, sweetheart. Promise me when I am no longer here, you will fight for your love, fight for what you want. Do you understand me?” He studied my expression and I nodded.
“Promise me you will go and make your baby daddy fall in love with you again. I know that the media says that he’s with that whoever her name was but I don’t think he loves her.” Ryan asserted.
“Be happy for me, will you?” He took hold of my chin in his hand.
“The annulment will be finalised in a couple of weeks. Just remember, our marriage was one of the best things in my life.”
“If it was one of the best things, then why end it?” I did not get his reasoning.
“Because it is the right thing to do. Now, don’t argue.” He stopped me from protesting. His hand was still under my chin and he tilted it up so he could look into my eyes.
“I love you, Holly Adams.” He said softly and bent down to kiss my lips tenderly.
I closed my tightly to keep my tears from streaming down my face, as I kissed him back. How I wished that I could love this man as deeply as he loved me but my heart had always belong to the unforgiving Louis Tomlinson!
Ryan pulled away and I opened my eyes to look at him. The smile he had was quite sad but it was fleeting and quickly replaced with a cheerful grin. “Now, I want you to go and sing me that song that I like very much.”
“Okay. A Shoulder to Cry On?” I asked as I moved away from the terrace and walked towards the guitar placed on the sofa.
“Yes.”
I picked the guitar up and began strumming on it. The song Ryan chose was one of the songs he taught me during my therapy. It was his way of telling me that I could always rely on him. He was such a sweet, sweet man. I began singing:
Life is full of lots of up and downs
And the distance feels further
When you're headed for the ground
And there is nothing more painful
Than to let your feelings take you down
It's so hard to know the way you feel inside
When there's many thoughts and feelings that you hide
But you might feel better
If you let me walk with you by your side
And when you need a shoulder to cry on
When you need a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on, I'll be there
I'll be a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there
All of the times when everything is wrong
And you're feeling like
There's no use going on
You can't give it up
I hope you work it out and carry on
Side by side, with you till the end
I'll always be the one to firmly hold your hand
No matter what is said or done
Our love will always continue on
Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on
Everyone needs a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
You won't be alone cause I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on, I'll be there
I'll be the one you rely on when the whole world's gone
You won't be alone
Cause I'll be there
And when the whole world is gone
You'll always have my shoulder to cry on
I ended the song with a huge grin as Ryan clapped his hands in appreciation.
“You sing beautifully, sweetheart.” He complimented.
“Thank you, Ryan.”
“Like I said before, you could have a career in singing if you want, Holly. You are good. Really good.” Ryan said enthusiastically.
“No. I write better than I sing. I love singing but to be a singer... I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I never dream of becoming a singer.”
“You could give the boys some competition, you know.” He grinned.
I laughed out loud and said, “As if.”
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